Jeb Bush Bungles Several Questions On First Day Back At Home
CORAL GABLES, FL—Noting how he repeatedly stumbled over his words and struggled to formulate convincing and consistent responses when asked by his wife about how he slept and what he wanted to have for breakfast, sources confirmed Monday that former presidential candidate Jeb Bush bungled numerous questions on his first day back at home. “You see—the thing is, breakfast—there are a number of options,” said Bush, anxiously reaching for a sip of water after delivering a meandering aside about why pancakes would be a reasonable choice, before awkwardly transitioning to a clumsy, forced anecdote about some bacon he recently had. “It’s an important question—you know what? Eggs. That’ll be—yes. Mmhmm.” Sources further reported Bush appeared helpless and forlorn after his request was drowned out by the louder, more confident answers from his children seated around the dining room table.
Iraqis Celebrate as Threat of Third Bush Presidency is Over
BAGHDAD (The Borowitz Report)—Thousands of Iraqis poured out into the streets to celebrate in the early hours of Sunday morning, as the threat of a third Bush Presidency was declared over at last.
Iraqis, on edge about the prospect of another Bush in the White House since former Governor Jeb Bush entered the race last year, had been watching returns from the South Carolina primary with a mixture of anxiety and cautious optimism.
Moments after the first evidence of Bush’s dismal finish began trickling in, however, Iraqis roared with glee as spontaneous festivities erupted across the country.
Observers were stunned to see Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds dancing together in the streets, putting aside their enmity to celebrate an outcome that they never dreamed possible.
“You must understand, we Iraqis have been living with the fear of a third Bush Presidency for months now,” Sabah al-Alousi, a Baghdad shoemaker, said. “Now we can begin to think about a future, for ourselves and our families.” …