The Library of America releases its latest tome. Hat tip to The Way of Improvement Leads Home and Randall Stephens.
Also, be sure to visit the Smithsonian Institution’s website for its image of Trump from the National Portrait Gallery.
TrumpDonald.org, which allows one to play with the orange man’s hair, is vaguely amusing for about 10 seconds.
RALEIGH (The Borowitz Report)—In a historic ceremony at the state capitol, on Friday, North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory swore in a thousand officers charged with enforcing the state’s new public-bathroom regulations.
Speaking to the newly graduated bathroom-enforcement cadets, McCrory impressed upon them the gravity of their responsibility. “You are the thin blue line charged with protecting the gender sanctity of North Carolina’s bathrooms,” he said. “Be careful out there.”
McCrory told reporters that the thousand officers are only “the first wave” of a bathroom-patrol force that will eventually swell to over fifty thousand. “This is job creation at its finest,” he said. …
Unlocked iPhone Worthless After F.B.I. Spills Glass of Water on It
WASHINGTON (Satire from The Borowitz Report)—Moments after successfully unlocking the San Bernardino iPhone, the F.B.I. rendered the phone permanently useless by spilling a glass of water on it, an F.B.I. spokesman confirmed on Tuesday. …
Walking reporters through the mishap, Dorrinson said that shortly after the iPhone was unlocked, “There were a lot of high-fives, which led to the unfortunate spilling of the water.”
After repeatedly attempting to reboot the phone with no success, the F.B.I. consulted several Apple support forums for tips on fixing a waterlogged iPhone. “I wish I could report that any of them worked,” the spokesman said. …
JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed. “Using derogatory language and treating women as mere objects is fine, just as long as you make sure you’re making a blanket statement about the entire female population and not a specific candidate’s wife, okay?” said Cruz’s senior communications advisor, Jason Miller, repeating nearly verbatim the advice Trump’s aides reportedly gave the GOP frontrunner earlier in the day during a strategy session. “The public’s not as receptive to you attacking Melania directly, so just keep your statements broader when denying women their individual agency and insinuating they have no identity apart from their connection to men and it’ll continue to go over great. Let’s stick with what’s been working.” Advisors from both campaigns assured their candidates they could be as specific as they wanted when making sexist remarks about Hillary Clinton, however.