Trump Promises Paul Ryan That He’ll Sound Slightly Less Like Hitler
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what is being hailed as a productive closed-door meeting between two leaders of the Republican Party, Donald J. Trump promised House Speaker Paul Ryan on Thursday that he would try to sound slightly less like the former German Chancellor Adolf Hitler.
Speaking to reporters at the U.S. Capitol after the meeting, the presumptive G.O.P. nominee said that Ryan had expressed concern that so many of the billionaire’s public utterances were reminiscent of the Third Reich.
“Paul basically said, ‘Can you help me out here? Can you not sound like Hitler all the time?’” Trump said. “And I was like, ‘Paul, I can absolutely do that for you.’”
As an example, Trump said, “Instead of saying I am going to round up people based on their religion, I’ll say that’s just a suggestion. Just like that, I’m fifty per cent less Hitlerish.”
Trump acknowledged that the challenge for him will be to sound somewhat less like Hitler to please congressional Republicans while still sounding enough like Hitler to avoid alienating his key constituencies of Nazis and white supremacists. …
“Trump is still out there taking aim and most recently, Trump gave Bernie Sanders a nickname. Now we have Crazy Bernie, Lyin’ Ted, Little Rubio and Crooked Hillary — it’s like the Spice Girls.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“In an upcoming interview with Fox News’ Megyn Kelly, Donald Trump tells her that although they’ve reconciled their feud, ‘this could happen again.’ Especially if Megyn Kelly continues to stubbornly insist on being a woman.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump has been married three times. Attacking Hillary Clinton for having marital problems is like the pot calling the kettle black, or in Trump’s case, calling the kettles ‘the blacks.’ By the way, the kettles love him.” –Stephen Colbert
“A tow truck driver in Asheville, North Carolina, who supports Donald Trump evidently stranded a disabled woman on the side of the road after he saw a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker on her car. Telling the woman that she was obviously a socialist and that she should call the government for help, he then drove away on a road that I assume he paved himself.” –Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump said his vice presidential pick might be one of his presidential rivals. When asked which one, Trump said, ‘I haven’t decided yet if it’s the liar, the loser, or the fat pig.'” –Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump observed Cinco de Mayo. He posted this on Facebook, ‘Happy Cinco de Mayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!’ There you go. All is forgiven. He even built a little wall around the Mexican salad so it doesn’t get on his American desk.” –Jimmy Kimmel