The Onion:
The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race
FOR
- Mathematical impossibility of receiving nomination only reinforces status as outsider candidate
- More than halfway done cobbling together foreign policy plan
- Would continue to push Clinton’s speeches to the left
- Already booked nonrefundable Spirit Airlines ticket to visit Philadelphia during dates of Democratic National Convention
- Probably our last chance to hear a public official say “single-payer health care” for a generation or two
- “BEST Bernie Moments” YouTube compilation could use couple more minutes of material
- Staying active and engaged in society has numerous health benefits for seniors
- Nation can pretend it might actually do something about corporate influence on politics, becoming embroiled in imprudent wars, and income inequality for few more weeks
AGAINST
- Staying in forces Clinton to waste time and energy learning to campaign against someone with clear principles and political stances
- Having raised $207 million, dropping out would help get a lot of money out of politics
- Learned that the president does not actually get to decide everyone’s income
- Would finally have some time to jab fingers recreationally
- Would allow Clinton to focus on fucking up general election campaign
- Might be nice to relax and have a friendly chat with a banker from time to time
- Pennsylvania Convention Center needs DNC itinerary set Friday by 5 so they can coordinate with vendors
- Best to just squash Americans’ belief they can actually make a difference in the political system now before it gets too far out of hand
Borowitz:
OBAMA ALIENATES MILLIONS WITH INCENDIARY PRO-KNOWLEDGE REMARKS
NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY (News Satire from The Borowitz Report)—President Obama handed the Republican Party a gift for the general election by making a series of offensive pro-knowledge remarks at Rutgers University over the weekend, a leading Republican official said on Monday.
According to Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, the President’s inflammatory comments, in which he offered full-throated praise for such controversial fields of knowledge as math and science, are sure to come back to haunt the Democrats in November.
“If President Obama was trying to alienate millions of Americans in one speech, mission accomplished,” Priebus told Fox News. “When I watched him speak, I said to myself, ‘Well, Christmas came early this year.’ ”
While many Republicans expected Obama to walk back his ill-advised praise of knowledge, facts, and evidence, the White House as of Monday morning had refused to do so.
“The President seems to be doubling down on this, which is not surprising,” Priebus said. “This is a man who never met a fact he didn’t like.”
The R.N.C. chairman said that the Party was already creating negative ads that would make extensive use of the President’s polarizing pro-knowledge rant.
“This fall, we will ask the American people, ‘Do you want four more years of knowledge, or do you want something else?’ ” Priebus said. “Because the Republican Party has something else.”
“A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cybersecurity. The report states that Hillary’s recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination.” –Conan O’Brien
“The latest NBC/Wall Street Journal poll has found that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have nearly opposite results with rural voters compared to urban voters, with Clinton leading Trump by 25 percent in cities, and Trump beating Clinton by 31 percent in places where he wouldn’t be caught dead.” –Seth Meyers
“Trump got turned down for a meeting with Kim Jong Un. So I guess his search for a vice president isn’t going so well. Seriously, how do you get denied by North Korea?” –James Corden
“The NRA on Friday endorsed Donald Trump for president. I guess that reaffirms their commitment to absolutely zero background checks.” –Seth Meyers
“Ed Rendell tried to help Hillary Clinton by attacking her opponent, saying, ‘Trump’s comments, like ‘you can’t be a 10 if you’re flat-chested,’ will come back to haunt him.’ And then Rendell helpfully added, ‘There are probably more ugly women in America than attractive women. People take that stuff personally.’ Yep, I have a feeling a lot of women are about to take that really personally.” –Stephen Colbert
“Democrats are concerned that Sanders’ campaign could alienate enough voters to hand Donald Trump the election. Bernie said, ‘Listen, I’m 74 years old. I’m surrounded by college girls screaming my name. Don’t ruin this for me.'” –Jimmy Kimmel
“The article makes the point that Donald Trump has hired many women to run his businesses and even quotes him as saying, ‘A good woman is better than 10 good men.’ And Hillary was like, ‘Thanks for the new campaign slogan.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Audio has surfaced showing that in the 1980s and ’90s Donald Trump may have used a fake name to pose as his own publicist. Or, maybe a little-known publicist named John Miller used a fake name to pose as a New York real estate mogul and run for president.” –Seth Meyers
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