WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what is being described as a best-case scenario, some political experts are predicting that the Republicans could once again be a viable political party as early as the year 2096.
Davis Logsdon, the head of the University of Minnesota’s political-science department, said on Saturday that the eighty-year time frame for the Republican Party to recover was “admittedly optimistic, but still doable.”
“It’s not going to be easy, and they have very little margin for error,” Logsdon said. “But if they do everything right and a lot of things cut their way, they could be up and running as a somewhat serviceable political party as early as 2096.”
According to the political strategist Tracy Klugian, however, Logsdon’s 2096 target date for the Republicans’ comeback is “laughably upbeat.”
“In order for the G.O.P. to become even a marginally functional political party again, all memory of the 2016 campaign will have to be obliterated,” Klugian said. “That means everyone who witnessed it will have to be dead, and probably those people’s children, and their children’s children, too. I wouldn’t bet on the Republican Party recovering any earlier than the year 2132.”
When asked about Klugian’s assessment, Logsdon said, “Yeah, 2132 is probably more like it.”
GREENSBORO, N.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Hillary Clinton is “plotting to rig the election by getting more votes than I do,” Donald J. Trump warned his supporters on Friday.
Speaking at a rally, Trump detailed what he called Clinton’s “vast conspiracy” to accrue more votes than he does on Election Day.
“The media won’t tell you this, but Crooked Hillary is going around the country every single day, trying to get more votes than I do,” he said. “That’s how she’s going to rig it, folks.”
He called the current sexual-assault allegations against him “a plot by the Clintons to draw attention away from Hillary’s evil plot to get votes.”
WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him. “From day one, my internal thought processes and overall temperament have completely stacked the deck against my candidacy—it’s so obvious, folks, you can’t deny it,” said Trump, claiming that all facets of his character, from his egocentric worldview to his brash, vitriolic responses to even the smallest and most inconsequential provocations, have been colluding to ruin his chances of ever reaching the Oval Office. “Open your eyes, people! Just look at how I routinely project the fear and hatred inside of me onto others, or my total lack of impulse control, conscientiousness, and tact. My personality is doing everything—and I mean everything—to make sure I never have a chance.” Trump then reportedly vowed that no matter how many of his own character traits aligned against him, he would never let his personality stop him from becoming president, drawing raucous cheers from the crowd.