My father, who gave me his name, among many other blessings, directs his profound medical knowledge toward the GOP nominee’s health in today’s pop-up reincarnation of beloved Spy magazine, brought to you on Esquire’s website:
It’s sweet how concerned Donald Trump and his army of amateur medical investigators have been about Hillary Clinton’s health during this election season, sifting the Internet for clues to find a proper diagnosis for what ails her so she can get help. So it is unfair that nobody is giving Trump’s health the same detailed attention—not even his personal physician. Thankfully, one vigilant doctor has been keeping a close clinical eye on the self-identified superhuman Republican candidate and made a startling discovery: the likely cause of his short, short, short fingers.
When Dr. Robert Neer, a retired endocrinologist at Mass General Hospital and Associate Professor of Medicine at Harvard Medical School, looked at the measurements obtained by The Hollywood Reporter last August, he saw something that only a physician with 49 years of experience would notice: the tell-tale clues of a genetic abnormality that would explain the Republican nominee’s sub-normal, 15-25th-percentile finger length. SPY contacted Dr. Neer for a full medical explanation.
What makes his fingers so emasculatingly underendowed?
One of the conditions that has long been associated with shortened metacarpal bones—those are the bones in your hands that are between your wrist and your fingers—is a disease called Albright’s hereditary osteodystrophy, which was accompanied by abnormal blood levels of calcium and phosphorous. Everybody who is an endocrinologist knows about it. That’s why I was completely taken by the hands when I saw them, because that’s the kind of thing that I look at all the time in patients that have problems with calcium, which is what my special interest was.
Is there a longer name for it that might make Trump feel more special? It might help him to know that something about him is longer.
The condition that was described back in the 1930s is called pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism. The weirdness of the name means that many doctors who might otherwise not be expected to know anything about it have at least heard about it.
Blame the GNAS gene, after all.
Let’s hope the candidate, armed with this possible diagnosis, can finally get the medical help he needs.