A great injustice needs to be corrected my friends. The Yankee Doodle was put last and those of us who waited paid an unfair price.
First they brought back the Twinkee. Same as the old Twinkee only smaller. No problem. I rejoiced. A sign of better times to come I said.
Then came the Hostess Cupcake. Again just as good as the ole one only smaller. No problem. My mouth was starting to water.
What’s this? A parade of comebacks just as good but only smaller? Yodels. SnowBalls, Devil Dogs, Funny Bones, freakin’ Funny Bones and Yo Hos for crissakes All the same as the originals only smaller.
But wait, what about us real Americans? Where’s the Yankee Doodle? The ole threefah. More joy for your money chump. Much like the Devil Dog only moister cake. The only member of the Drakes and Hostess pastry family that gets individual paper form fitting pants. Classy. The Twinkee and D. Dogs just let it hang out for the world to see.
Then, one day, after I had given up on the good people at Hostess/Drake headquarters I saw it. The Yankee Doodle was back. Back I tell you, back!
I sprung into action and grabbed one of those cellophane wrapped bad boys and sprinted to the self check-out line. Boom! The transaction was made and off i went. When i got to the car I locked the door, ripped opened the doods, and popped one in my mouth. No lady-like bites for me. Woofed down the whole thing in like 7 chews.
I immediately sensed something wasn’t right. Not right at all. In fact it was completely wrong. Those sons of bitches at Drake went ahead put chocolate frosting on the doodles. Who the hell told them to that? No changes were made to the taste or texture of their other pastries. It’s like they did this on purpose just to screw me. Like Mike Tomlin having his Pittsburgh Steelers attempt and fail the two point conversion FOUR TIMES against the Cowboys when I had them teased with the Giants. I swear that a-hole Tomlin did that just to fuck me.
Anyway, what does a good Americans like us have to do to make the Yankee Doodle great again?
(couldn’t find a yankee doodle commercial)