Forgotten Man Seeks Attention
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—A largely forgotten man sought attention on Wednesday night before returning to obscurity on Thursday, according to reports.
The man, whom many Americans had difficulty placing, was making a desperate bid to remind people of his existence, experts believe.
His efforts were somewhat successful, as his widely reported outburst caused people across the country to rack their brains to try to remember who he was.
After briefly attempting to recall where they had seen the man before, many people gave up and moved on with their days, but for others, the desperate man’s remarks left a bitter aftertaste.
“There is no excuse for making comments like those, no matter who you are,” Tracy Klugian, forty-seven, of Springfield, Missouri, said. “Who is he again?”
Still others showed concern for the man, and expressed hope that, instead of future bids for attention, he would find fulfillment in crafting or some other harmless hobby.
“NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he’s not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in.” –Conan O’Brien
“A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can’t remember where they put it.” –Conan O’Brien
“Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. Wait, those are the same reasons he picked his dog, Bo.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.” –David Letterman
“NBC suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay for misrepresenting a story of something that happened to him 12 years ago in Iraq. I have a solution. They should send him up in a helicopter, fire an RPG at it, and if he makes it down, that’s enough. He’s forgiven.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“A lawmaker in Tennessee is pushing to make the Bible the official state book. It would replace Tennessee’s current state book, the menu at Cracker Barrel.” –Seth Meyers
“Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I’m worried it’ll be a little awkward when he visits a school and says, ‘This factory is terrible.’” –Jimmy Fallon
“Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.” –Bill Maher
“Rand Paul and Chris Christie both said vaccinations should be a choice, not a government mandate. Because when have Republicans ever told people what they could do with their own bodies?” –Bill Maher
GOP Builds Full-Scale Replica Of Struggling Ohio Town To Train Presidential Hopefuls
MARTINSDALE, MT—In an effort to improve the party’s chances in the 2016 election, GOP officials announced Thursday that the Republican National Committee has built a functional full-scale replica of a struggling Ohio town in which to train presidential hopefuls.
Top-level Republican sources told reporters they have been using the fake town of Stocktonville, OH, which is located in a remote stretch of central Montana, to rigorously prepare candidates since completing construction of the 18-square-mile facility last month. According to GOP leaders, the recently erected village, which is inhabited by 33,000 actors coached to portray middle-class Americans such as small-business owners and auto workers, replicates every location and personal interaction a candidate could expect to encounter while campaigning in a critical Rust Belt swing county.
“Every morning, we start running our candidates through their itinerary of simulated voter meet-and-greets at Stocktonville’s mock schools, shopping centers, and town squares, having them redo each leg over and over until they get it right,” said Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus, noting how the locality has been meticulously crafted to reflect an unemployment rate of 8.3 percent, a median income of $38,000, and a sense of uneasiness about the direction of the country. “So, whether it’s learning to naturally put on a hardhat and Carhartt jacket to impress the workers at one of our six artificial factories, or tossing out the first pitch at our life-size double-A baseball field, our fully immersive training grounds provide a safe place for candidates to work out the kinks before running for office.” …
At press time, RNC leaders confirmed they had discontinued the leg of training that involved entering Stocktonville’s African-American neighborhood, saying it was simply too difficult for all of the candidates.