Boehner Calls Netanyahu Closest Ally in Fight Against Obama
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—On the eve of the Israeli Prime Minister’s address to Congress, House Speaker John Boehner used a joint press conference to praise Benjamin Netanyahu, calling him “our closest and most important ally in the fight against President Obama.”
“Even as the President threatens us with provocative acts, Prime Minister Netanyahu’s support for us has been unwavering,” Boehner said. “He understands what many of us have long known: that peace with this enemy can only be achieved through total victory.”
Netanyahu had equally high praise for Boehner, saying that “no one has been more steadfast and dedicated in the struggle against your President.”
“This foe is not to be trusted or appeased,” Netanyahu said. “Your resolute refusal to find any common ground with him whatsoever has earned my undying respect.” …
Boehner Invites Man Who Hated Obama in High School to Address Congress
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—House Speaker John Boehner has scheduled a joint session of Congress in April to hear an address by Kevin Laggett, a man who is on record as having hated President Obama in high school.
Boehner, who personally extended the invitation to Laggett, said that he did not consult with the President before contacting his high-school nemesis.
“This has nothing to do with the President,” Boehner said. “Many of us in Congress are very interested in what Mr. Laggett has to say.” …
Reached in Honolulu, where he works as an assistant manager at Applebee’s, Laggett said that his speech to Congress would steer clear of personal issues between him and Obama.
“I’m going to leave that stuff at the door,” he said. “I’m just going to talk about the job he’s doing as President, which he’s screwing up pretty bad, in my opinion.”
Poll: New Scandal Not Up to Clintons’ Usual Standards
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A new poll indicates that the American people are deeply disappointed in Hillary Clinton’s State Department e-mail flap because it does not live up to the high standards of sordidness set by Clinton scandals of the past.
Davis Logsdon, who supervised the poll for the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, said that those surveyed were “receptive and even intrigued” by the idea of a new Clinton scandal, but then were deflated when they learned what the scandal actually involved.
“When people hear the words ‘Clinton scandal,’ they expect a certain amount of sex and sleaze,” Logsdon said. “But once they find out that this one is about State Department e-mail regulations which may or may not have been disobeyed, they feel very let down.”
“In a sense, the Clintons have created this problem for themselves,” Logsdon added. “They set an extremely high bar with some very memorable scandals in the past, and for a lot of people, this one just doesn’t live up to the hype.”
Netanyahu Doubles Down Against Obama With PowerPoint On Perils Of Affordable Care Act
WASHINGTON—In what is being regarded as a further provocation on top of his already controversial address before Congress, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu doubled down against President Obama Tuesday with a PowerPoint presentation on the perils of the Affordable Care Act. “As you’ll see here in this chart, Obamacare restricts freedom of choice for people who were previously insured through their employers, while simultaneously causing insurance companies to raise their premiums,” said Netanyahu, who according to witnesses had finished his original speech criticizing Obama’s opposition to further Iran sanctions and immediately announced he would be discussing the president’s “fatally flawed and unconstitutional” health care overhaul. “Now, if we click over to the next slide, we see that the individual mandate forces many Americans to purchase insurance policies they cannot afford or simply don’t want. Why should the government be making our health care decisions for us?” At press time, Netanyahu was asking if he might have a few more minutes for an abbreviated version of his PowerPoint on the troubling unanswered questions that still surrounded Benghazi.
Hillary Clinton Hints At Presidential Ambitions By Concealing Information From American People
WASHINGTON—Fueling further speculation this week that she has her sights set on the Oval Office, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is said to have hinted at her presidential ambitions by concealing a vast trove of information from the American people. “By using a personal email account to keep records out of the hands of investigators and the U.S. populace, Clinton is making it resoundingly clear that she has presidential aspirations,” said political analyst Stuart Rothenberg, adding that Clinton’s efforts to obfuscate basic facts and hide thousands of documents from taxpayers for years on end demonstrate her capacity to successfully perform the duties of the commander-in-chief. “Clinton is showing voters that she’s ready and willing to circumvent regulations in order to keep Americans in the dark on important issues and prevent anyone from uncovering potentially incriminating evidence. This is definitely her most unambiguous declaration of her intentions at a presidential run.” Rothenberg added that Clinton’s flimsy justifications for her actions and her efforts to deflect blame further prove that she will handily win the Democratic nomination in 2016.
“Nancy Pelosi said she was ‘near tears’ during the prime minister’s speech to Congress because it insulted America’s intelligence. So please, nobody tell Nancy Pelosi about ‘The Bachelor.’” –Seth Meyers
“During the CPAC conference, Rand Paul told the crowd it was time for a new president and that people need to help make the change. Of course, most people agreed with him, since that’s how term limits work.” –Jimmy Fallon
“RNC chairman Reince Priebus criticized Joe Biden, saying that he can’t control his mouth. That’s kind of like someone trying to say the name ‘Reince Priebus,’ which sounds like a drunk person trying to say ‘rented Prius.’” –Jimmy Fallon