The headline is courtesy of John Fugelsang.
Nation’s 30 Fraudulent Voters March On Washington To Restore Voting Rights Act
WASHINGTON—Spanning nearly half of a city block as they rallied to support the freedoms of unscrupulous citizens, the nation’s 30 fraudulent voters reportedly marched on Washington, D.C. Sunday to restore the Voting Rights Act. “It is crucial for our great nation to protect the rights of every single citizen who wants to vote more than once,” Miami resident Tanya Bruton said to the assembled mass of more than two dozen Americans who were protesting policies that have made voting under a false name far more difficult. “The erosion of these rights is the only thing keeping .000001 percent of Americans from heading to polling places and stuffing ballot boxes. We will not stop fighting until these restrictions are lifted.” At press time, sources confirmed that the chants of the nation’s entire fraudulent voter population were drowned out by a large group of eighth graders on a field trip.
INDIANAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—In a history-making decision, Gov. Mike Pence of Indiana has signed into law a bill that officially recognizes stupidity as a religion.
Pence said that he hoped the law would protect millions of state residents “who, like me, have been practicing this religion passionately for years.”
The bill would grant politicians like Pence the right to observe their faith freely, even if their practice of stupidity costs the state billions of dollars.
While Pence’s action drew the praise of stupid people across America, former Arizona Governor Jan Brewer was not among them. “Even I wasn’t dumb enough to sign a bill like that,” she said.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – A disturbed Canadian man wants to try to get into the White House, according to reports.
The man, who was born in Calgary before drifting to Texas, has been spotted in Washington, D.C. in recent years exhibiting erratic behavior, sources said.
“We have Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham all running for president. It’s all part of the Republican plan to make Jeb Bush look presidential.” –David Letterman
“Tea party candidate Ted Cruz, Republican senator from Texas, wants to be president. That means he’s one step closer to being a Fox News analyst.” –David Letterman
“Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he’s running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s.” –Conan O’Brien
“Senator Ted Cruz has officially announced that he is running for president. But if you see a T-shirt that says ‘Ted Cruz 2016,’ those aren’t election shirts. That’s just how old he thinks the Earth is.” –Seth Meyers