David Gergen: Hi, Im David Gergen! You may know me from that West Wing special back in 2002! Im having real trouble talking tonight, so lets get right to it. Frank Phillips from the Globe has the first question.
Frank Phillips: Deval, youre getting your ass handed to you by these negative ads. And the newest Healey ad shows a woman walking in a parking garage. Clearly the audience is supposed to be afraid that shell be raped. By a black man. Isnt that racist?
Deval Patrick (DP): Im going to dodge that question by saying I havent seen the ad. But if I had seen it, Id say Kerry Healey was a hack. Lets face it, I defended one bad guy. Healey let 700 cops go, thereby letting thousand of criminals roam free. And you know what? Im pissed off about it. Game on, bisnatch.
Grace Ross (GR): I dont like attack ads, mostly because I cant afford any.
Christy Mihos (CM): Im disgusted! My ads were in poor taste, but at least they were funny. Youre going down, Healey.
Kerry Healey (KH): Ok, first of all, Im not a racist. Not overtly, anyway. Im more of a Steve Lyons racist, if you will. But I do think defense attorneys make Massachusetts less safe, mostly because theyre evil.
DP: Youre all talk lady. And Im taking you down a peg.
Gergen: Ok, dont make me come over there and separate you guys.
Allison King: Grace Ross, when youre governor, how will poor people like you afford health care?
GR: In the Peoples Republic of Grace, well have single payer, so poor people wont pay for a thing. And I dont like negative ads, but, boy, do I hate rich people!
Allison King: But medical care under single payer is terrible!
GR: Only for rich people, and they dont deserve good health care! Theyre rich!
KH: Id just like to point out that Im a centrist. Independents should vote for me. I want credit for the new health plan, even though I really think the business mandate is unfair.
DP: Yeah, next time try not to veto that, Captain Centrism. Dont think I wasnt watching when you did that.
CM: Quit meeting behind closed doors! Republicans lie to you, and so do Democrats! I may be insane, but at least Im honest about my insanity!
Gergen: Ok, please stop. Youre scaring me.
Emily Rooney: Screw the issues, I wanna see blood! Just because Im on PBS, doesnt mean Im at all intellectual! Lets talk about negative ads! Kerry, are you saying that defense attorneys are evil, or that Deval Patrick will rape people as governor? Which is it?
KH: Hey, Im just going to let you keep talking. And thanks for bringing this up, by the way. You know, 30 second spots cost millions. But turning this into a half hour of talking about this doesnt cost me a thing. So, yeah, defense attorneys are evil.
Emily Rooney: But your ad is disgusting!
KH: Deval is disgusting!
DP: Okay, yes, I was a defense attorney. Im not going to apologize for that. Ever. I was also a prosecutor, you stuck-up prude. Kerry, when you get a resume like mine, then well talk. Like Christys says, youve got a great ass, and youve got your head WAY up it! Ive got street cred, and the whole room knows it, so once you get your head out of your ass, Ill be happy to show you around the street!
CM: And I thought my ad was bad.
DP: Thank God youre here. I mean that. Your checks in the mail.
CM: Hey, Im just happy to be here in Faneuil Hall. Did I mention that?
GR: Hey, no ones paying attention to the issues! Or to me!
Frank Phillips: Christy, arent you really just wasting everyones time?
CM: Hellll no. I was born here! And Im still here! Jesse the Body did it, why cant I? Okay, I have a quarter of the charisma and cant wrestle, but whatever!
Phillips: Would you support either Patrick or Healey?
KH: Hed vote for me!
CM: Not on the best day you ever had.
KH: Ummmm okay, that was uncomfortable. And now I cant remember the question so Ill answer my own! Why am I awesome? Oh, great question! Well, just look at my hair .!
DP: That wasnt the question, you fraud. But thanks for changing it for me so I can pimp myself 20 times better than you ever could. When you learn how to debate, maybe well do this one on one.
GR: Man, Im poor. Kerry Healey once turned me down as a chamber maid. Its true.
Dave Gergen: Okay, the viewers at home want to see blood. So, lets mix it up a bit. Deval, Im going to ask you a totally choreographed question on charter schools, ready?
DP: Born ready. Yes, I like charter schools, but our states funding doesnt work. I think we can make
DP: Where the hell did that come from?
GR: Hey man, Im at one percent. Nothing to lose, baby. Nothing to lose.
KH: Come on. Everyone knows that private schools kick ass over public schools. Deval and I went to private schools and were filthy rich. Grace went to public schools and shes well you get my point. My point is Devals a union lacky, and he knows the waiting list for charter schools is a million miles long.
DP: Yeah, because your leadership is terrible! Your public schools suck!
KH: Exactly, so lets get rid of all public schools!
DP: Holy god. I cant believe you just said that. Im so stunned I dont even know how to adequately respond, so Im just going to babble
GR: Youve lost it lady.
CM: Okay, let me make the point Deval is too stunned to make: SCHOOLS ARE TERRIBLE BECAUSE SO ARE YOU!! There.
David Gergen: There are 300 million people in the United States, yet none of them want to live here. Why is that?
GR: Mostly because theyre all poor like me.
CM: Its not just poor people that are poor in Massachusetts. Rich people like me are poor too! But at least we still have the tourists, who apparently will never leave. Can we do something about that?
DP: People keep saying I have no specific ideas, but Im going to talk about smart growth now, which was a nice idea the Romney Administration came up with until they screwed it up and
KH: Ill lower your taxes!!! I signed a pledge!! I swear!! I have a Tax-O-Meter-O-Tron!!
DP: Lady, all the gimmicks in the world wont lower taxes when youre governor.
Allison King: Kerry Healey, Mitt Romney wont stop making fun of Massachusetts. I dare you to tell him to stop it.
KH: Ummmm I love Massachusetts! Really! Please dont confuse me with Mitt! Wait, Mitt who?
Allison King: Okaaaaay .but will you tell him to knock it off?
KH: Ummmm you just did. There. Problem solved, right? Hey, whats that over there !!!!!
CM: Healey, youre pathetic.
DP: Oh man, that couldnt have possibly worked out any better. Now Im just going to roll into that part of my stump speech about the butt of his jokes thing. See how effortless that was?
Its called being up 20 in the polls, folks. Eat my dust.
Emily Rooney: Not so fast, Deval! Isnt your tax plan for Massachusetts completely unworkable?
DP: No. Again, people say they want specifics, so heres a specific. Im conditioning increased local aid on prop
Emily Rooney: ADMIT THAT IT WONT WORK!!
DP: No! Jesus .
CM: Obviously, a comedic interlude is needed here. Thank god I showed up.
GR: They dont need comedy, they need a lesson in Marxist theory .
KH: Siddown, Grace. Theres a $20 in it for you if you take the next debate off. Deval, I read it in the Globe yesterday that your plan wont work, so it MUST be true!
DP: Youre so full of it, property-tax raiser.
Frank Phillips: Grace Ross, why wont you admit that communism is a failed form of government? Why does everyone know this but you?
GR: Viva Castro!
Phillips: But youll kill the economy!
GR: I wont, and noted economists like Noam Chomsky and Howard Zinn agree with me!
CM: Grace, sweety, if you tried to pay employees twice the minimum wage, Walmart would crush you.
GR: No, because in the Peoples Republic of Grace, Walmart would voluntarily pay more too!
CM: Okay, youre nuts. Ive created jobs and I can tell you
DP: Hey, Ive created jobs too at Coke and Texaco!
CM: Ummmm really? YOU did?
DP: Hmmm .I really stepped in it there, didnt I? Moving on, I have specific ideas about
KH: Tax and spending! You have specific ideas of spending money, you you .LIBERAL!!!
DP: Healey, you Republican hack. Do they sell your campaign in some kind of Republican kit that you send away for in the back of the National Review?
KH: SPEND IT ALL DEVAL!!
DP: Youve lost it. I guess thats what being down 20 points with three weeks to go will do to you.
Allison King: Christy, youve criticized Healey for proposing closing Masspike tolls west of 128, when you yourself had that same idea three years ago. Sup with dat?
CM: Well er yeah see, my idea involved a bond, and phased out tolls, but this is clearly a campaign ploy!
Allison King: But how would you have paid for your plan to close tolls?
CM: With a ummmm dammitt .with the gas tax. You got me. I cant believe I said that.
GR: Taxes are great! You know why I can say that? Because the hopeless inevitability of my situation is freeing in a way.
CM: Will you please go home?
KH: Id just like to say that Im not playing politics with the tolls Okay, really I am. I say take down ALL the tolls! Roll back all the taxes!! What else can I promise? You name it, Ill promise it!
DP: Well, theres no way Im coming out against the toll idea. Nice try. But Ill take this opportunity to point out the fact that youre an opportunist.
David Gergen: Okay, in .03 seconds or less, tell me your top three priorities!! Readdyyyyyyyyyyy .GO!
GR: Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod How will I ever fit the Peoples History of the United States into .03 seconds? ummmmmm
Gergen: Too late! Mihos, GO!
CM: Eh, just go to my website.
Gergen: Patrick, GO!
DP: You neophytes. Its called debate prep. Use it. Im so ready for this. Business, education, healthcare. Booo-yaaa!!
KH: Well, its so hard to choose just three, since I have 50 points of light, you know. And, Im a criminologist, which means ummmm Im not sure. Taxes, destroying public education, and negative ads about crime are my top priorities.
David Gergen: Well, the four of you were the most uncontrollable group of candidates ever. All this to be governor? Let me back into the Clinton White House. Please! Time for your closing remarks.
CM: Hi, call me Christy! At this point, Im just happy to be here. And to be in this hall! Ive lived here all my life and never taken the tour. So, I guess if nothing else this saves me $4.50. You know, a lot of people dont believe in me, but look at the Red Sox! They got creamed this year! Just like me!
GR: Id just like to point out that even though Im a communist, Ill need a job next month. So, if someone could hook me up, thatd be great.
KH: Im a centrist. Im a lot like Deval, except that Deval is Satan, and Im here to be your savior against the illegal immigrants and rapists that are hiding right behind your couch!! SERIOUSLY! Dont turn around! Not until Im elected! Its just not safe! Oh, and by the way, can we pleeeeeease ditch Christy and Grace next time? Fours a crowd, you know?
DP: No way, sweet cheeks, Mihos isnt going anywhere. Hey, thanks everyone. Here I am three weeks away from the election, and Im STILL up by 20 in the polls. And you know why? Because I respect people. I respect Grace Ross, and I especially respect Christy Mihos. And I would respect it greatly, Kerry, if when I whoop your ass in three weeks, you would kiss mine. Peace!