“Question 3 guarantees that government will no longer have the resources to prevent us from doing what we all love. Slashing $2.5 billion from prisons, and state and local law enforcement means that we have a chance to reverse this sad decline in criminal activity over the last few years.
More importantly, slashing social services to the bone will ensure that we have strong and able generations of youth looking into a criminal career long into the future. We can keep the cycle going.
Let’s work together to make sure this question passes, so we can all look forward to days and nights filled with consequence-free criminal activity. Do your best to stoke your neighbors’ senses of entitlement, distraction and greed. Working together we can all make this very important question pass.”
Flemmi reported that the arsonists’ local was particularly excited about the question. “The thought of shuttering even more fire stations will make any sparkplug’s eyes water. The main reason our arsonists do this is for the thrill of watching a house or other locale burn down. With local aid shredded, it will take that much longer for firefighters to respond, giving our members that much more enjoyment. I am confident that their production is set to rise.”
Flemmi had a word of advice for SCUM members. “Some people may try to think of the big picture, and they need to be distracted. Mention Diane Wilkerson or Tom Finneran, or the drapes in Deval Patrick’s office. The last thing any criminal can afford is for people in the community to look out for one another. We need to nip that in the bud.”
If anyone can be called most excited at the prospect of question 3, it would a man introduced as the head of SCUM’s recruitment division, a man who only gave his name as “Ace”. “I’m telling you, this means the best days of SCUM are in front of us! You know how many times we try to bring young people into a life of crime, only to be told ‘nah, my caseworker will throw me into juvie’, or ‘My mom is already on my butt ‘cuz of DCF’? My biggest problem are these social services that keep telling these kids they have a future outside of crime. And schools! Imagine what’s going to happen to the schools! That’s where I can’t get them, the kids. If teachers and other people are telling them about college and making real money with a degree, I don’t stand a chance. Overcrowded, poorly funded schools are a criminal recruiter’s best friend! Anything we can do to make education a dead end gets my endorsement. With Question 3, I can only say that I sure picked a great time to get into recruitment.”
Flemmi shared a conversation he’d had with a staff member. “You know, I didn’t think of the whole cycle until a guy named Roy was talking to me the other day after the endorsement vote,” Flemmi mused. “He asked me to pass something on. Roy is counting on a slashed prison budget to let him out early, and figures with more criminals on the make and fewer cops to watch ’em, he’s gonna have a great time robbing houses. So he says when all of you get your $200 or whatever in savings on the sales tax, make sure to put it somewhere easy for Roy to find. That way, Roy and his buddies can get all the benefits from Question 3.”
“In closing, ladies and gentlemen, Question 3 represents an amazing opportunity for every piece of SCUM in the Commonwealth. I want to personally thank our friends Carla Howell and Charlie Baker for this chance to make crime pay better than ever before. Now let’s go out there and pass this thing!”