Bringing the funny: Alternative Debate Transcript

TRASNLATED TRANSCRIPT

Keller: Welcome to the very last Democratic Party gubernatorial candidates’ debate.  I have only one quarter the intelligence and talent that the last moderator, Jeanne Shaheen has, so really, this is a big thrill for me.  By the way, I don’t like any of you all that much.  Just so you know.  Why should anyone vote for you guys?

Gabrielli (G): Mostly because I’m so much taller than all these other guys.  Did you ever hear those statistics about how tall people succeed so much more than short people?  I’ve got that going for me as far as electability goes.  That, and I don’t like Republican ideas, or Democratic ideas.  I don’t like ideas at all, frankly.

Patrick (P):  People will vote for me, mostly because I’m so much smarter, smoother and better looking than either of these guys.  Plus, I can co-opt their ideas and just claim to be able to implement them better. 

Reilly (R): I’m an independent, which basically means I’m hated equally by Republicans AND Democrats.  And I’m feisty!  Grrrrrrrrr….!!

Keller:  We have time for more.  Who wants to go first?

P: I will.  I’ve been doing this for a year, and it’s clearly taking its toll on my senses.  So, I’d like to talk about the one issue that can keep me from being elected: Taxes!

Of course people voted for a tax rollback.  They’re not idiots.  They don’t trust government because people like Reilly are incompetent.

R: Hey!  It’s not my fault.  It was the Republicans!  I swear!

G: Reilly you idiot, just tell people they can cut the income AND property tax, like I do!

R: Ok.  I’ll try it: Deval, it’s not complicated!  You don’t need a formula!  Just…just…listen to the voters! Yeah, that’s it!  The voters!

D: Tom, go back to sleep, you had the same position I have until, like, yesterday.

Keller:  Well!  On to the questions then.  I just wrote these in the men’s room.  Those corporate slobs at Fidelity took their business and jobs to Rhode Island so they could spend more their huge corporate tax cuts at the Foxy Lady.  Would you offer the same deal?

P: No.  We want to partner with businesses.  And I’m trying to remember to mention the SBIR again, but I forgot.

R: We have to end the economic over –regulation.  After all, there was very little regulation and oversight on the Big Dig, and look how that turned out!

G: This is my small business pitch.  I bet you all didn’t know that small business owners are watching this, and they vote!  Mostly for Republicans with Republican ideas about tax cuts.  But remember, I don’t like ideas!

R: Then why won’t you give money to UMass?

G: I will.  And the more you attack me, the more your supporters run to Patrick instead of me, you twit.

R:  Oh.

G: Hey Deval, details matter!

D: Huh?

G: Nothing.

Keller: Let’s talk about education.  I made up this imaginary story about a mother with a smart kid in public education.  That smart kid is being burdened by a total moron in his class.  We’ll call him “Tom” and see if Reilly takes the bait.  Should Tom be put back in tracking?

R: Hey, quit talking about me!

G: Settle down, Tom.  We just need better schools, so I’m going to talk about an issue that very few voters really understand completely: Charter schools!  Deval wants to tell parents that their kids will always be forced into substandard schools, right Tom?

D: Hey, I don’t support the way that school really abused Tom!  And I’m for charter schools so long as we can pay for –

G: Hey, pal, I’ve been talking about this issue in MA since back in 1993 when you were still trying to get white teachers fired with the Clinton administration!

R: Yeah!

P: That still doesn’t mean you can pay for –

G: Tom, he’s leading in the polls by ten!  It’s tag-team time!

R: Get him!

Keller: Break it up guys. Next question.  Can I get any of you to thrown state workers under the bus in the name of health care?

G: No, but I’ll throw municipal workers under the bus instead.  I read this great piece on bluemassgroup by a Republican named Gary…

P: I’m not touching that with the Gabrieli-sized pole.

R: Listen, I’ve been here.  And I’m still here.  Seriously.  Hello?

G: Well, I have a chance to move off this topic, but I’m going to throw a bone to the left of the party and suck some votes from Deval.  Here goes:  BUSINESSES PAY TO LITTLE UNDER THE NEW PLAN.  Got that from BMG too.

R: Well, that idea works on paper, not in theory.

D: Thanks Tom!  I’ll just shut up and count my lead in the polls for a while.

Keller: Not so fast, Deval.  I’m going to give each of you the chance to totally destroy your hopes of coming out of this thing alive by letting you ask your opponents a completely open-ended question that will come back to destroy you in a second.  Deval, you first.

D: I’ll give it my best shot.  *Ahem* Guys:  Why are you both being such dicks to me?

R: Are you kidding?  You’re asking me that question?  Praise Jesus!  Ok, I’ll answer.  *Ahem*  Just tell me how much money you’ve stolen from drugs dealers, murders and rapists you Killer Coke swine! Answer that and I’ll get off your back.  There.  Happy?

G: Seriously.  This is a lay-up.  For my part, I’ll just say that I’m not being negative.  I just disagree with you.  Mostly because I’m right, and you’re an idiot.  But its nothing personal.

P: This really isn’t turning out like it did in my head.  Chris, I really just want to agree with you, co-opt your ideas, and let my personality win this whole thing.  Why won’t you let me, you behemouth?

R: Hey, I’m still here too.

G: By the way, Deval, don’t you live in a mansion?

Keller: Too late.  Reilly.  Your turn.

R: I’m down in the polls, so the “fear vote” is big for me.  Shouldn’t we let people look at their co-workers’ criminal history.  Yes, I know you otherwise need a court-order for this stuff, but I think we’ve come to the time in society where just anyone should  have it.  Don’t you?

G: I don’t know. Maybe.

D: Yeah, maybe.

R: Ah HA!  Then tell me, Mr. I’m-up-ten-in-the-polls, why you support some arcane bill no one’s ever heard of that would release drug dealers from jail and give amnesty to Osama Bin Laden!?!

D: It would not!

R: Ok, it wouldn’t, but some group out there thinks you think it would.

D: You’re crazy.

R: Like a fox!

G: Deval, what are you writing there?

D: Huh?

G: On that paper, what are you writing?

D: Hey, Gigantor, back off.  I’m stealing ideas from you, not vice-versa.

Keller: Okay, Gigantor, it’s your turn for a question.

G: Okay, lets see if I can trick the party lifer and the party darling into pissing off their base a week before the election.  My question is, do you guys disagree with your supporters?

P: You’re not tricking me anymore tonight, long legs.  I disagree with you and your ridiculous position on Cape Wind, how’s that?

R: Unlike Deval, I’ll answer this question!  Let’s see…I disagree with MCAS…drunk driving …charter schools…gay marriage…in fact, I got booed at my own convention.  Boooed!  So, when it comes down to it, I’m really a Republican.  There, I said it.

G: Last chance Deval.  Sure you won’t try and kill yourself like Reilly just did?

D: Pretty sure, yeah.

R: Hey, fellas, the p
eople have spoken.  They want their tax money!  The debate’s over and I’m still here!

D: Siddown, Reilly.

R: No, come on.  I’m not done with my blatant pandering to the tax cut crowd.

G: I want to talk about my plan more, and give you a chance to talk about yours, Deval.  I have a plan, do you?

D: I’m glad you asked.  Something vaguely technical called chapter 186 + my campaign message = a plan.

Keller: Well, this has been fun.  You all talked so fast we actually have time for more rebuttal.  Any ideas?

R: Let’s get back to education. I thought we actually had Deval on the ropes for a second there.  By the way, Chris, I haven’t taken a shot at you in a while, so, you’re a real jerk.

D: Thanks for giving me a shot at rehabilitating myself on this Tom.  When I win the election, I’m sending you a fruitbasket.  Anyway, my education plan is all about collaboration and merit pay –

R: COKE!

D: Seriously.  Sit down and be quiet.

Keller: When you guys win the election will you just hire cronies?

R: Heck no!  I hire talent!  Yessiree, I’m a talent man.  Puuuuure talent.  Have you read the “Tom Reilly and the Talent Gap” piece on the Prizblog?  I have!

G: I’m not in favor of cronies.  Or ideas.  I also don’t believe in the Beatles, I just believe in me.  By the way, these other guys are hacks.

D: I want people who disagree with me.  Like these two.

R: John Keller I will not hire you! Hahahahaha.

Keller: Settle down.

Keller: Okay, since there’s a black guy in the room, let’s talk about quotas.

G: Well, diversity is complicated, and opportunity is good…ummmmm…Can Deval go now?

D: John, I won’t have to use quotas in my administration.  Unlike these guys, I actually know other minorities.

R: I’d just like to say I like talent.  Again.

G: Dammitt, Deval, you didn’t take the bait.  Let’s talk about taxes again.

D: You dummy.  Watch as I school you on capital gains cuts, you rich bastard.  You just gave me a chance to get back on message.  You like that? I can do this all night long, son.  All night long.

Keller: Okay, now for the closings.

R: Well, I’m still here, and I get stuff done.  Except for the Big Dig.  We’re working on that.  So, really, all I can say is I’ve had good attendance.  I show up to work everyday and all that.  Which, to be fair, is a step up from what you’ve got in the corner office right now.

G: Tom’s a fool with experience.  Deval’s a fool with charisma.  I’m a fool/fool hybrid.  And, again, I don’t like ideas.

D: Well, I was winning coming in, and as far as I can see, I’m winning going out.  Plus, you all never did get to see what was on my paper.  And since my last closing speech resulted in a ten point bump in the polls, I’ll give you the same one.  See you all in Patrick v. Healey next month!