I offer these five suggestions, free of charge, to the 3 Democratic candidates. The adopter of this platform will absolutely be assured of victory on 9/19/06 and in the general election in November. The lucky adopter might be able to cram all of it in one 60 second commercial.
1. Declare that the first action you will take as governor is to declare that non-migratory Canadian Geese are not Canadian because they were born and are living here in America. Since they are American Geese and are non migratory, they are not protected by the Migratory Bird Act and are therefore to be declared as FOOD. Kill em and eat em gentlemen.
2. Declare that the second action you will take as governor will be to implement changes to Daylight savings time. We will fall back as always on Saturday night so that we have a 49 hour weekend. We will spring ahead on Wednesday afternoon at 1:00 pm thereby protecting the length of our sacred weekend while shortening our hated work week.
3. Declare that all homeless shelters and other nuisances, such as the pigeon feeders and trash can foragers will be forceably moved from our cities to New Braintree.
4. Then declare that we will all be saying hello to the return of Happy Hour and Ladies Night.
5. After hurling out those gems, the candidate turns to the camera and in the spirit of Alfred E. Newman and Alfonso Bedoya says, “my administration will be rooted in fairness. Affirmative Action? What me worry? With me in the corner office we wont need no stinkin Affirmative Action.”
