Kerry Murphy Healey, acting on what she termed “incontrovertible evidence” from various local and Washington sources, accused Democratic gubernatorial candidate Deval Patrick of hiding weapons of mass destruction in the basement of his home in Milton, thus posing an imminent threat to towns ranging from white enclaves in Dorchester to all of north shore horsy country.
Ms. Healey made her announcement this morning from the turret of her mansion in Prides Crossing.
When queried on the cause of her suspicions, Ms. Healey sited Mr. Patrick’s record as a civil rights attorney. Those he chose to defend, whether free or incarcerated, are prime candidates for conversion to terrorist activities; the question is: do we want to elect a man who supports them as our governor.
At this writing Crossing police are examining chemistry sets found in Patricks cellar. His protests that they are left over both from his daughters high school classes and his own at Milton Academy were said by Ms. Healey to be obvious subterfuge.
Ms. Healey went on to tie her own candidacy to the welfare of Massachusetts:
“Innocence, guilt has no bearing on political possibilities, guilt schmilt!” As we have come to know – particularly over the past six years – civil rights is a concept wholly inconsistent with Republican values. This is a slam-dunk. Deval Patrick and his Milton basement are a clear threat to our way of life here in Prides Crossing as well to Democracy in the Commonwealth. (And, if that doesnt ring true, the rape and pillage of every pinched faced blond woman east of Albany. I will ensure that as governor guilt or innocence will be established long before trial and without the interference of messy constitutional issues.
Patrick responded that if Healey would come down from her high horse and actually visit Milton, he would be happy to show her his basement, volunteered to clear off the ping-pong table and invited her in the spirit of bi partisanship play doubles with his family.
This is a matter that should be debated one on one, Healy retorted, and anyway, Deval is obviously too out of step with the mainstream to understand that if I got off my horse, I would be stuck in the house all day. Who would want that?
While she did seem open to ping-pong, she remained adamant about horse lovers rights.
My election as governor would not only eliminate the chemical weapons in Milton, but also balance the interests of five day commuters with those who can perform dressage more than one morning a week.
According to Prides Crossing Police, no arrests are immanent, but the situation is being closely monitored by the North Shore Defense Department and the Large Animal Rescue League
I hope people see it.