The Sun Never Surprises

Her 50-point plan is a detailed blueprint for how she will govern, while her Democratic opponent, Deval Patrick, has been evasive about what he will actually do and how he means to do it. He speaks generally of bringing “hope,” but we can’t help but wonder how expensive that hope will be to the taxpayers of Massachusetts.

Translation: We can’t do our homework, or read a website with all sorts of position papers which began to be published long, long ago. Nope, no idea what Patrick is going to do. Because we’re lazy and can’t be bothered to actually read anything the Patrick campaign publishes or listen to what Patrick has said on any number of his Q & A sessions or stump speeches. We can only handle information in nice little bullet points or in Powerpoint presentations. Patrick has nice bunting at his events, though.

On education, Healey supports merit pay …

Translation: We’re anti-union! Anything to stick it to those evil, evil teachers.

It is clear Healey understands the concerns and needs of Massachusetts taxpayers and municipalities. She knows residents need good schools, lower taxes and safe neighborhoods, and she will strive to provide those necessities.

Translation: We can’t do math. Roll back the income tax! Spend less on everything! And get better results!! No need to invest in new infrastructure to build our economy…or on our crumbling school systems…or those roads, or nothin’.

Healey would fight for lifetime parole for Level 2 sex offenders, to reinstate the death penalty for felons convicted of killing law-enforcement personnel, provide loan forgiveness for students pursuing in-demand careers like engineering and forensic sciences, and to make housing more affordable for first-time home buyers. Unlike Patrick, Healey has concrete plans that, with the support of the Legislature, will allow such changes to occur without piling more taxes on overburdened residents.

Translation: Told you we were no good at math! Lifetime parole won’t cost the state any more…just the new parole officers to track them. Ditto for the death penalty! Everyone knows it’s cheaper to execute them dang criminals! Nevermind that data, put it down. And making housing more affordable – all you gotta do is wish real hard, and ask developers nicely. That won’t cost the state a dime! Neither will loan forgiveness for students!! And don’t look at your local property tax bill, ‘kay?

Oh, and you do remember we told you Healey will be a better leader with her adversaries in the legislature even though she’s been a real b–ch leading her campaign. Right? Right?

There’s a lot to be said for checks and balances in government. It’s the reason the GOP has held a lock on the corner office for 16 years.

Translation: That’s working for us real good! Republicans lost seats in the legislature and Romney constantly gets overridden. It’s such good foil, that balance argument. And the more Democrats in the legislature, the more we can use it!!

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Honestly, that was too much fun for one post. Though the Sun’s endorsement wasn’t as silly as the Herald’s, it provided all sorts of amusement for me. Most predictable second-rate newspaper on the east coast…