Sen. Nelson’s objection stems from his belief that the Puppy Bill does not do enough to prevent the procurement of abortions with puppy funds. The Senate recently voted down an amendment which would have strengthened prohibitions on spending the puppy funds on abortions.
Sen. Lieberman objects to the Puppy Bill for several reasons. First, he says it is too expensive. Majority Leader Harry Reid counters that a Congressional Puppy is a fundamental right which comes with many health benefits, especially for older Congresscritters, and that the medical costs saved would far outweigh the costs of a puppy. In fact, he argues, according to the Congressional Budget Office, the cuter the puppy, the more it would save in the long run. This contradicts moderates in both parties, who have expressed opposition to getting a cute puppy but have offered to let Congress buy an ugly puppy as a compromise. Added Reid, “Maybe Joe would stop being such a sourpuss if we had a puppy. It would be the first time he’s ever been loved by a living creature, and I think he needs that.”
Second, Lieberman opposes getting a puppy “because they’re just too cute. A puppy would distract from the serious business Congress needs to be doing, like figuring out how to send an internet through The Tubes.”
Third, President Barack Obama (D-America #1!)supports the plan to buy Congress a puppy, and Lieberman, a member of the Senate’s Democratic caucus, believes that as a Democrat, the President is immoral heathen scum.
Critics argue that Lieberman is out of touch with policy and out of touch with his constituents. “His wife is a kitten industry lobbyist, and during his last campaign he accepted more money than any other Senate candidate from Big Kittens,” said the CEO of Citizens for Congressional Puppies, a nonpartisan organization dedicated to furthering Congressional awareness of and support for puppies. There has been speculation that Lieberman is negotiating for a job as a kitten industry lobbyist, following in the footsteps of the heroic Congressman Billy Tauzin, who wrote the legislation behind the Medicare prescription drug benefit, which forbids Medicare to use its negotiating power to buy medication at a discount or import it from Canada, mere weeks before retiring to take a job as the head of PhRMA, the nation’s biggest pharmaceutical lobbying organization.
Lieberman supporters we interviewed expressed admiration for his courage in bravely taking a stand for Big Kittens in spite of the unpopularity of his position. “This is the moral issue of our lifetime,” said supporter and kitten peddler John Smith, “If Congress buys a puppy, it’ll be a complete government takeover of our pets. And that’s just the beginning. If you read page 2101 of the bill, it says right there that this will be the next Holocaust.”
There are 2100 pages in the Senate’s Cute Puppy Bill.
