There is no justice if this tragedy is not a tipping point for the Legislature to enact the pending anti-bullying bill.
Prince committed suicide on Jan. 14 after a tumultuous freshman year, where she was picked on and taunted, friends and Principal Dan Smith have said.
While some school systems do a good job on anti-bullying policies and practices, we know that others do not. We need them all to have policies and required actions as discussed in detail in earlier BMG discussions.
Please share widely!
The timid adults including the principal of that school concluded that even with an aide, they could not keep him safe. They authorized, and Arlington paid for out of district placement for $XXXXXXX This was a failure of leadership, a failure of the so-called “middle school modality” and led to among other things, my strong support for both anti-bullying programs in schools AND the k-8 model. The message for my son was that adults do not know how to keep children safe.
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p>To his credit, rather than becoming a bully or following in the cowardly model set for him, he became a criminal justice major dedicated to protecting others from what he, himself, experienced.
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p>One example – one or more of these sadistic middle school bullies taped literally hundreds of straight pins point up on our son’s assigned seat knowing he would not look before sitting. He innocently sat – and needed an emergency visit to a hospital to get fresh tetanus shots. The result from the principal and others, “Gee we cannot figure out who did it.” I cannot believe hundreds of straight pins were taped point up without anyone noticing – do you?
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p>I still do NOT see credible leadership on this issue in my town and many other towns and conclude that a legislative push is needed to provide traction in changing the culture of looking the other way and blaming the victim.
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p>To this day, my son struggles with PTSD because of the horrible experiences he had in Arlington public schools.
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p>ENOUGH – the death of this sweet young Irish girl must be the last such death.
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p>IT IS TIME AND PAST TIME FOR LEADERSHIP ON THIS ISSUE.
Last time I checked assault was a crime, not a mere violation of a school rule. I’m not an advocate for the kind of zero tolerance which suspends a student because a pocket knife happened to be found in his car, but if an attack actually happens the police should be called. I’m happy to let the courts determine whether trying the assailant as a juvenile or adult is justified, but the message must be sent that violence is inexcusable.
And that includes the adults calling in the police to investigate a heinous episode like those 100s of straight pins.
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p>Not worrying more about their reputations then their students…sort of like the issue the Catholic church had, where a cover up took on a life of its own, because [fill in the blanks yourself].
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p>If adults do not protect children they are cowards.
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p>Maybe their should be zero tolerance for adult cowardice?
In my experience the victim certainly can say who attacked him and physical acts in my junior often happened in front of several witnesses. It’s not like anything was a big secret (unlike preistly abuse which usually takes place in a witness-free environment, plus the fact that priests are given the benefit of the doubt which need not be true for some punk classmate). If the school won’t do something then why not the parents. What do they have to lose by calling the police themselves and say, “My son was attacked in school and was injured.”? Is there some law or convention that leads police to treat such incidents as an “internal matter” like China tells us to butt out of its human rights abuses? I don’t understand the reputation issue either. If I were Principal the reputation I’d WANT my school to have is one where every child feels safe and any breach of that safety is dealt with swiftly and emphatically.
This Globe article http://www.boston.com/news/loc… goes into more detail. Apparently a girl told a Springfield TV station after Phoebe’s suicide that bullies roam the halls of the school. As soon as the cameras left, a girl pushed her into her locker and punched her in the head. That’s a big disincentive to the next kid who thinks of opening his or her mouth. And we all remember how intimidating peer pressure is at that age. Being the “squealer” is often a sure way to be ostracized. The pressure shouldn’t be on the kids to protect themselves.
When I was in elementary school, the class sizes were in the 40-45 range, and we had half days. Tough times, you know? If I went out for “recess” I picked a brick wall for my back and made sure to draw first blood in order not to be attacked. Not exactly the way to make friends, either. But I don’t remember an adult intervening there and then, either. I got a rep for wanting to stay inside and read. Wonder why? I happened to have braces on both legs – which did mean I could kick back hard. Those dual developmental club feet I had…no I was not involved in athletics, LOL.
What about incidents like the pins? There is plenty of harassment and spoilage done behind people’s backs, and the “costs” of pointing out who is bullying is huge when the adults involved do nothing and “telling” leads to more bullying, not to protective action by adults.
…as it’s certainly possible the planting of the pins wasn’t witnessed, or maybe it was thought of as a harmless prank at the time. I also substitute teach at the 5-6 grade level and in that school if something happens, whether this or vandalism, and the staff puts out the call to say something it generally gets resolved. It may take a little time but eventually kids prove themselves rather loose-lipped, often starting with the perpetrator who brags about it to peers.
…pass it. Then build on it.
I was struck last year when our school system was considering using breath analyzers at schools functions (proms, dances…) and when they talked about what to do when a student was drunk. Law enforcement was not involved at all. They said it was as school matter and the police were not needed. When pressed, they stated the same procedures were used when any infractions occurred on school property including drugs, assaults, statutory rapes (18 years having sex with 15 year olds). When did school property become exclusionary to the laws of the state? When bullying occurs, the schools should involve the police since these are “crimes”. I had the Worcester County District Attorneys office present to parents last year on bullying and cyberbullying and most were surprised at the length and breath of the problem AND the legal implications of offenders. These kids could go to jail of what they are doing… and they should.
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p>Look for our star athletes to be prim offenders while their parents, coaches and school administrators try to cover up and make nice. Amber’s example of sending the student to another school is NOT the answer. This enables and offenders and sends the wrong answer to the student body.
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p>Until our law enforcement people become serious and until the parents/supporters of OFFENDERS get the message, this problem will not only remain but will get worse.
NOT because it was a good solution and NOT because it was what we wanted.
I was simply saying You should not be the one to leave, the offender should!
But after a while, we gave up and in fact, if we had it to do all over again, we would have left after 6th grade, and not believed “them” when our IEP for this child was signed, an IEP that was violated over and over, and which, at hearing, Arlington was held totally at fault and believe me, I would far rather “none of it happened” and the administrators involved had courage and honor than won a hearing.
He doesn’t toss those out very often.
Specifically zeroing posts by me, KBusch, and kirth.
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p>KBusch appears to be returning the favor.
revenge zeroing. Thus, I am apt to think there is another explanation.
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p>It’s nowhere near the number of zeros JohnD has given out, but KBusch does appear to be sending a message.
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p>Sometimes the only response to bullying is to hit back. And JohnD is nothing if not a bully.
KBusch puts his pants on one leg at a time like everyone else. As you may know, I have ceased any conversation with KBusch and huh since Nov 13th. huh lied about giving me a ZERO and then removed the ZERO.
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p>So I simply don’t engage since there are many more here to dialogue with. However, KBusch and huh cannot stand reading my posts without lobbing hand grenades at me. I prefer a dialogue with all parties but while I can take name calling and insulting, I will not stand for lying.
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p>If these 2 neoprogs want to cease any ZERO ratings of my posts I will be glad to do the same… sounds fair to me.
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p>Wish I could fit this on my sig line…
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p>I rarely give out zeros in any case, but why on earth would I lie about giving one, especially to you? Here in reality, you made up a story as an excuse for yet another abusive rant.
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p>And what’s your excuse for not engaging KBusch?
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p>Prior to November, KBusch and I made a concerted effort to ignore you.
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p>Like the bully you are, you downrated us and added nasty remarks to our comments and diaries until it became impossible. At one point you went as far as ordering both of us to be silent.
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p>It’s sad that you want your sig line to be judgment on people you openly hate. Especially when it’s a call for discussion and that’s the last thing you really want.
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p>As for this:
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p>What you’re really saying is “I’ll stop hitting you when you stop hitting back.”
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p>You know damn well that you started zeroing me, KBusch, and kirth. Not the other way around.
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He just zeroed a comment of mine from ten days ago, and another from a week ago, that said I wasn’t sure who someone else’s comment was addressed to. Also a flurry of zeros to other comments he didn’t bother to respond to when they were fresh.
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p>It obviously doesn’t matter to him what the content of those comments is; he just wants to “punish” the three of us for calling him what he is.
This sort of response is exactly what I mean by the difficulty of ignoring JohnD. He says “I have ceased any conversation with KBusch and huh” but downrates us and writes responses to other people slagging us.
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p>It’s only “not talking to us” in the sense that he doesn’t respond to us directly. Incredibly childish.
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p>But enough.
You’re the one throwing zeros and threatening people.
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p>”I’ll stop zeroing you if you shut up” isn’t an offer. It’s bullying.
You’re the one zeroing me, KBusch, and kirth. KBusch may be responding in kind, but it’s only in direct response.
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p>It bears repeating that you invented you’re “huh zeroed me” lie during your last round of attempting to silence us. Come to think of it, it was KBusch who zeroed you then, too. Not that it matters. You just wanted an excuse to pretend to be the victim instead of the bully.
YOU, YOU, and YOU — all of you — stop the zeroing THIS INSTANT. I don’t care why.
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p>Come on, guys. Life’s too short. It’s not going to make a difference, and it’s not going change anybody’s behavior (except for the worse).
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p>Try this out. When you’re about to toss a zero, make a note to yourself instead. Keep it. Sleep on it. Move on to another thread or comment.
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p>If, a day later, it still seems to merit a “zero”, then throw one.
I ain’t zeroing nobody. Neither is Kirth. You fell for JohnD’s BS.
Thanks for the suggestion. I’m game. Done with any zeroing of anyone but I still have no intention of talking to anyone who word is worthless.
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p>Thanks for reminding us to be adults.
My last zero of Mr. D. was in defense of BrooklineTom, specifically in response to this:
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p>In retrospect, JohnD thinking you’re not normal is probably a good thing.
Trouble is, everyone associates anti-bullying laws with the gay agenda, and the last thing Patrick needs is to be seen prioritizing the gay agenda.
2. Given that civil rights and equality seem to be supported by the majority in MA, why would that be the “last thing”?
After Brown, you still think a majority want equality?
He never mentioned his position on gay rights. If he did, he probably would have lost the 21% of Democrats who voted for him, along with left-leaning independents. The best part about being from New England is our MYOB ethos. We don’t care what people do behind closed doors. The people who want to restrict civil rights are the far right fringe elements of your party. Most people here don’t care. Besides, there should never be a vote on anyone’s civil rights. If that happened in 1964, then a large swathe of this country would still have Jim Crow laws.
This has been another round of simple answers to simple questions:)
I recently had an exchange with dcsurfer that revealed him(?) to be a homophobe, but the issues DO sometimes become entangled. This past summer at the General Synod, the United Church of Christ considered a resolution calling for anti-bullying education in the schools. The whereas clauses pointed out that bullying often stems from the perceived deviations of the victim from the norm in various ways, one of which was orientation. The resolution called for teaching acceptance of our differences. Some delegates from the Biblical Witness Fellowship, a more conservative group within the church which I like to call “the UCC Homophobe Caucus” objected on the grounds that this would mean teaching children that sinful behavior was perfectly OK. I cringed when I heard this, but given our desire to make sure various constituencies are represented there were plenty of LGBT delegates in the room and I can’t even imagine how they felt hearing such things in their presence.
Is that what you’re saying DC Surfer? Do you oppose legislation to prevent bullying and mandate procedures for intervention and corrective action, because some of the kids thereby made safe are LGBT?
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p>I can see Christopher’s point in describing you as a homophobe, if you consider the death of a 15 year old Irish immigrant girl, who had dated a boy in high school, an acceptable loss in waging your culture war against the “gay agenda.” You might feel more at home in Uganda than Massachusetts, Scott Brown notwithstanding.
Do you oppose legislation to prevent bullying and mandate procedures for intervention and corrective action, because some of the kids thereby made safe are LGBT?
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p>No, I don’t oppose such legislation, and think it should protect all kids. I’m saying that it’s not what Patrick needs right now. Perhaps we could diffuse the anti-gay agenda anger that would make Patrick wary of pushing anti-bullying measures if we could also figure out how to restore marriage as a man and a woman federally.
This isn’t controversial in MA. Moreover, the mobilization of any anti-gay agenda would probably shore up his base.
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p>I’d welcome the ‘anti-gay’ agenda to froth at the mouth here in MA now, what with the years of gay marriage we’ve had without the expected world-ending destruction of everyone else’s hetero-marriages. (I’m still waiting for the wrath of god weather destruction a la Pat Roberts.) If they bring that fight here the actually look dumber than if the bring it most other places.
He who is the most consistent traditional marriage supporter this state has, and, not coincidentally, known for telling students that bullying his daughter through her MySpace page because her father supported traditional marriage is unacceptable behavior. Back then, everyone here thought bullying Ayla and Scott Brown was OK, appropriate even, and he was out of line for repeating it. It was 2004 and that was the year of KnowThyNeighbor and screwing the process, shaming and humiliating people for being bigots, etc. It just took a while for people to have their chance to respond to that.
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p>Yes, Brown didn’t make it an issue in his campaign, because he knows that people are afraid to be identified and bullied and most don’t like the issue being brought up at all. But all of the people who cared knew about his position anyhow, and Coakley could have made an issue about it but never did, because she knew it was a winning issue for him.
… and he was extremely smart not to bring up gay marriage as an issue in his campaign in MA. Had he done so, democratic mobilization would have been a lot easier.
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p>Bring up an attack from the right in this issue and you do nothing but mobilize the left. Patrick would be well served by a GOPer frothing at the mouth on this issue in a campaign.
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p>In another state, maybe not so much.
to tell you the damage that my marriage has suffered since gay people have been allowed to wed.
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p>No, really – I can’t begin, because their getting married has had absolutely no effect on my marriage. All you Defenders of Marriage can stand down. Marriage does not need your help; it’s doing fine. Go back to overtly hating homos. That needs some defending.
The behavior that traumatized AmberPaw’s son was surely illegal then and is surely illegal now. It seems to me that we must change the culture that tolerates this behavior, and insist that the laws we have are enforced.
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p>A frank truth that very few folks seem willing to confront is that the violent, brutal, and — yes, bullying — nature of the sports that we have such hysteria about is a huge part of this problem.
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p>We cheer wildly when our hockey, football, and even basketball players show “aggressive” “physical” play. Why are we surprised when they (and our children) act the same in a hallway, classroom, or stairwell?
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p>How many football lettermen have been disciplined, never mind prosecuted, for terrorizing fellow students who, in their minds, show insufficient “school spirit”?
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p>We just elected a candidate to the Senate who ADVOCATES TORTURE, for crying out loud.
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p>Will the lege feel better about passing this? Probably. Will we all pat ourselves on our collective backs for protecting our children? Probably.
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p>Will this bill do anything substantive to address the problem? Probably not.
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p>We must change ourselves and our culture. How many parents confront school officials when a morning or afternoon of class time is canceled in favor of a “pep rally”? Why do we even allow hockey or, for that matter, football to be played in our schools with our money? No matter what anybody says to the contrary, hockey and football are about bullying the other guy. Call it what you will, but that is what it is.
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p>When we call the same behavior a “game” in one context and a “crime” in another, can we blame our children for being confused?
I do agree that we would be better off with the European system of “club” sports wherein students join club activities sponsored by local collectives, unions and businesses. What the hell competitive interschool sports have to do with education beats me. What pisses me off to this day is the fact that the superintendent/school committee will not run an advanced French, German or Russian class but will subsidize a basketball team of 12 players that costs a hell of a lot more for coach salaries, trainers, officials, etc. than a worthy academic pursuit.
I could go on about how much I agree with this comment. Athletes also get full-boat “scholar”-ships, but nobody on the Quiz Bowl team ever gets such an offer. Society in general just seems to prioritize sports. Witness the multi-million dollar contracts and high ticket prices the market is willing to bear for professional athletes, but then people won’t raise their taxes a few bucks to keep class sizes reasonable or pay teachers what they’re worth. If a game on TV goes over the alloted time the late local news is delayed, but if a political convention is still going at 11PM it gets cut off.
I didn’t realize they had done away with academic scholarships.
…but it’s not nearly as lucrative to be a nerd as it is to be a jock.
I enthusiastically share your feelings about towns who refuse to fund foreign language and theater in middle schools, while maintaining beautiful, well-lit, well-groomed, and well-drained fields for soccer, football, and baseball — and fund the teams that play on those fields.
as well as the myriad of other adult health issues being visited upon our children. There is nothing better than athletics to help our children remain fit and healthy. Children need physical activity to be a part of their education.
There are studies that show a correlation between poverty and obesity. Diets high in cheap, refined carbohydrates and sugar have led to a variety of problems, including diabetes and high blood pressure in children. Because of agricultural subsidies, it’s cheaper to feed your family corn, pasta and ramen than meat and broccoli, hence a preponderance of overweight children from poor circumstances. There is also the issue of access to healthier foods in low-income neighborhoods, as there is often a lack of supermarkets and farmers markets, forcing people to rely upon corner stores with pre-packaged foods. Michael Pollan addressed this on a PBS show (can’t remember if it was NOW or Bill Moyers).
There are no doubt benefits to such things, but many schools bend over backwards to keep sports going while cutting academics to the bone and eliminating non-athletic extra-curriculars. Academics should be a school’s top priority.
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p>You left out a word. We cheer when our athletes show aggressive, physical, clean play. We do not cheer face masks, cross checks, trips, or hits from behind. We do not celebrate slashing, chop blocks, or flagrant fouls. Taunting is verboten. Sub-NHL players who drop gloves get thrown out of the game. Baseball players who throw at heads or charge the mount get the heave-ho. In the NBA if you leave the bench to join in a fight, you get suspended… and if you bring a gun to the locker room you get suspended for a very long time. Go after a player on the bench, a ref, or someone in the stands and you’ll almost certainly sit out the year or even longer, at any level.
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p>In sports, we cheer courage, we cheer self-sacrifice, and we cheer success — but only when it’s within the confines of fair play. These are exactly the values we want to instill in our young people. I’m not arguing that they should consume so much of a school’s budget for time or money, or that sports are the only way to instill these values. In my view, there’s simply no mapping of school sports to bullying, which almost always involves cheap shots, taunting, ganging up, and other unfair play. The only time school violence maps to school sports is when there’s a one-on-one consensual playground fight, and that ain’t bullying.
I appreciate your perspective. While it perhaps works to smooth the immediate rough edges, I fear that the distinction you draw is lost in translation when it comes to the messages that we and our children act out off the playing field.
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p>My experience at Fenway Park (baseball is the only professional sport I’ve seen in decades) is that Red Sox players might get the heave-ho from the umpires, but they do so to the sound of cheers from the bleachers. Any boos are directed at the umpire, not the player. The language and sentiments I hear bear little resemblance to the good clean fun you describe — I long ago learned that Fenway Park was not a place for my pre-teens:
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p>Good clean fun, or taunting?
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p>Modern football equipment protects the participants from the most obvious physical injury (excepting concussions and head injury, of course), yet does little to address the psychic trauma. Our battlefield medicine is among the best in the world, yet the emotional toll on our returning veterans is pervasive and largely unaddressed.
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p>Taunting, for example, is not only taught but demanded by every baseball coach I’ve ever seen (including my younger son’s years in U-NN ball on the North Shore). The polite line of handshakes at the end of the game does not, in my view, balance the “banter” that takes place between the catcher and batter on every pitch, the runner and first base player before, during, and after every swing, and so on. Virtually every coach exhorts his or her team to “talk it up”.
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p>Violence in school hockey has been a problem for years. Is it discouraged? Of course. Does it happen anyway? Ask the families of Michael Costin, or Cameron Byrne. Cameron Byrne was 8 years old when an enraged Jordan Waldman — 51 years old — grabbed him around the neck and began cursing him. Of course Mr. Waldman was banned. Nevertheless, the damage was done. The reaction of Gino Cresta, the coach of Mr. Waldman’s son’s team? “I think he just overreacted.” How about the reaction to another episode recounted in the piece, when Paul Johnson (a Melrose Youth Hockey assistant coach) “allegedly” grabbed Mark Ceruolo (a 19 year old referee) around the neck — “Winthrop police were poised to press assault charges against Johnson, but Ceruolo declined to cooperate. Massachusetts Hockey later banned Johnson.” So long as we “decline to cooperate” in prosecuting violence like this, it will continue. So long as we characterize out-of-control bullying of 8 year olds as “overreacting”, instead of crimes, the violence and bullying will continue.
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p>In my upscale, suburban, mostly-white high school in Rockville, MD, from 1967-1970, school violence mapped to school sports before and after every game during football season (we didn’t have hockey and nobody cared about baseball or basketball). The perpetrators were always the lettermen (jocks who played varsity football), the victims were always those who failed whatever challenge the perps set at that moment, and the administration and faculty always looked the other way. These were the schools “finest” — “so what if they sometimes got carried away.”
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p>Sadly, it is the same behavior pattern that I’ve seen repeated throughout my life when US troops massacre civilians, when police thugs beat the bejesus out of (or kill) immigrants, minorities, and students, and when the President and Vice President order and carry out policies of kidnap, torture, and murder. The behavior is the same, and its excuses are the same.
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p>My children report the same culture in their North Shore public high school. They have had to learn the same coping skills I learned. My children, like me, are physically big enough that the perps are more talk than action. The emotional barbs still sting.
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p>I appreciate that the values and behavior you bring to a sports event are positive and constructive. Sadly, I fear that you (and I, I do enjoy watching sports) are not representative of our local sports culture. Turn on any of our local “sports talk” radio outlets — it is no accident that they are also the hosts of so much on-air hate speech.
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p>That’s why I feel that, whether or not this particular legislation is adopted, we must change our culture in order to stop this terrible bullying of our children.
You’re leaving out the fact that when athletes are acting aggressively on the field, they are doing it to other athletes, who have consented to be part of that environment. Many former athletes will tell you that team sport were the among the highlights of their school experience, and not just because they drank beer and bullied people.
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p>Not to mention that high school teams serve as a common area of interest and school pride for many students who aren’t on a team. It’s silly to think that the only ones who benfit from sports teams are the athletes on the team.
I find your excuses and rationalizations far less persuasive than her comments.
A few were, yes, but had other issues and problems. The real failure was that of adults to confront what was going on, rather than cover it up – not athletes and athletics.
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p>Children need courage, honor, and firm boundaries from adults and at least in our son’s school, what they got was cowardice and a failure to address what was going on firmly and honestly.
Separately from the participants, I think that too many adults use “it’s just sports” as an excuse to rationalize their failure to confront this problem (and yes, I agree with you that that failure is cowardice all too often), in the same way that too many adults use “it’s just business” as an excuse to rationalize similarly sociopathic behavior in the business world (which is, after all, not a different “world” at all).
While it may well be that in some schools it is athletes who are bullies, in my son’s school that was NOT in general the case. Some of the worst bullies were abused at home themselves as I later found out. Other bullies and manipulators were very bright – they found hurting and scaring my son with his motor delays amusing for some sick reason. Some one came up behind him with a garbage bag, yanked it over his head, and he thought he was about to be smothered in a school hallway. Lovely.
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p>Again, [and I am not sure what you are agreeing to!] it was NOT athletes who targeted my son. He experienced bullying in large part because he was in special education, and had a motor delay which made him “look different” and a target. He was premature, and had an anoxic episode at birth, and developed his coordination very slowly [he required physical and ocupational therapy – and today you would never know, he over came it all with hard work and good family support.]
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p>He ALSO BELIEVED SCUMBAGS who promised if he made funny faces and acted stupid they would then be his friends.
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p>The kids who taunted and tricked and pulled sick pranks were, in fact, many of them, among the “bright kids” in that school, not the athletic kids at all.
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p>It was sickening all around the way the adult “leaders” looked the other way, and my kid was the victim of one sick prank after another; I gave the pin episode because it was so disgusting and creepy. The administrators even pulled his aide to use as a substitute, leading to one of the worst episodes that landed him in emergency due to physical abuse by other students.
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p>ONE LAST TIME – MY KID WAS NOT BULLIED BY ATHLETES AND IT WAS IN A MIDDLE SCHOOL NOT A HIGH SCHOOL.
Here’s what you wrote that I agreed (and agree) with (emphasis mine):
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p>In other words, the entire body of your comment.
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p>Here are the specific words I find persuasive in your comment down-thread:
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p>Nowhere have I said or implied that the abusers of your child were athletes. When I speak of bullies who are also athletes, I speak from my experience and from my children’s experience.
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p>I don’t doubt that most athletes are fine well-mannered and well-tempered young men and women. If you’ll re-read my comments, I think you’ll see that they are directed at the adults who shield, protect, and make excuses for the few bad apples.
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p>Having said that, I don’t recall seeing news reports of parents assaulting or killing other parents or children at school orchestra performances or drama productions. As far as I know, we haven’t found a need to formalize and document written parental codes of conduct that parents must sign in order for a child to participate in student government or the chess club.
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p>Like it or not, sports — especially contact sports — are different.
It IS true that the roots of many sports are ritualized puberty and warfare rituals, like the Mayan ball games that morphed into Fireball on the Cape, perhaps. There is much more adrenaline, testosterone, and status tied up in these events. However, the fact that adults may violate boundaries at sports events, or need conduct reminders really isn’t what bullying legislation, or school bullying are about. So while, yes, you were agreeing with some of my content, I do feel like in introducing the issue of out of control behavior at sporting events the thread was being hijacked, just as dcsurfer tried to introduce his homophobia.
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p>The reason for anti-bullying legislation is to set clear policy that bullying is not tolerated, bullies will be contained, those who are willing to come forward and report bullying, harassment, and abuse will be protected among the school population.
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p>Futher, that pretending bullying doesn’t happen to avoid embarssing news stories or adults having to admit to problems in their school will stop – that school administrators will demonstrate honesty and courage will replace coverups and pretense. Role models matter, and policy statements like these matter.
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p>In a way, the Catholic churche’s pedophile scandal was about looking the other way to avoid bad press and diminished donations, rather than cleaning house too. Cowardice in high places surely has occurred in more than one institution!
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p>So why not create a separate thread about the double-edged sword you have experienced in athletics, and focus on kid on kid bullying, and how adults can use policy statements and courageous role models in administrations in schools to change the culture and stop tolerating/looking the other way/empowering “mean girls”, “school bullies”, and end the practice of saying “kids will be kids” –
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p>I tried not to go into my families experience being, in part, a disability issue – that our son experienced abandonment by his school administration and bullying by certain students because of his disabilities; that is a somewhat different issue though I would like to think less tolerance of his cruel and dangerous behavior would protect disabled students too.
…yeah I got pretty steamed this thread. But no apologies, not even for the typos.
One of my children is a special-needs kid (in my case, the battle was, as a divorced father, persuading his mother, the CP, that his diagnosis and disability was real and that he needed whatever outside resources were available).
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p>I didn’t intend to hijack the thread, I (perhaps wrongly) view our emphasis on contact sport and our simultaneous pervasive problem with bullying (and violent behavior) as closely related. Much of the abuse my child has had to learn how to handle has come at the hands of “friends” and “family” who hounded him mercilessly because of his disinterest in sports. In my case, his support team at the school were extraordinarily — even heroically — helpful; it was the home situation that we had to equip him to handle. This well-intentioned legislation would not begin to address the trauma (what is the boundary between teasing, taunting, and bullying, especially by family members?) he experienced at the hands of his extended family.
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p>What shall we call behavior that leads a mother to force her 8 year old to stand immobilized and in tears in the middle of a soccer field during a scrimmage of a team he doesn’t want to be on in a sport he hates, while any ball that comes his way literally bounces off him? His mother does, in fact, love him. She thought she was helping him. She comes from a family with a long line of accomplished high school basketball, baseball, and track stars. The result was devastatingly traumatic for my 8 year old son.
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p>I strongly share your sense that this is eerily reminiscent of the pedophile scandal, both in the reality of its presentation (if you’ll allow me to use clinical language) and in the response when folks are forced to confront that reality.
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p>I hear you about starting another thread. If and when I do, wait until you hear about how cheerleaders and homecoming queens were selected in my high school (granted, this was 1967-1970).
Okay, I get it! Kill all the athletes. (with kindness of course)
I really wasn’t thinking that I would persuade you. I just wanted to counter a rather narrow-minded post. Among other things, has it occurred to you that bullies tend to be the bigger and tougher kids? You know, the same kids who are drawn to athletics? You’re making a faulty cause-and effect argument. A kid is a bully, and he plays sports. Therefore, sports must encourage his bullying. How about his alcoholic father? Or untreated learning disability? There could be myriad reasons why a kid is a bully, but you’re determined to pin it on one primary cause based on little evidence.
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p>You clearly don’t know much about sports. Do you really think if Joe Girardi get ejected from a game at Fenway, the crowd would be cheering him and booing the umpire? And incidentally, managers and umpires arguing is hardly related to bullying. If a manager so much as brushes an umpire, he’s immediately ejected from the game. Arguments between managers and umpires are more theater than anything else.
Failure to confront and treat bullying behavior dooms the bully as well
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p>A student who cornered our son in the hall and shredded his school books laughing went on to die when he broke into someone’s home – and that someone had a gun.
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p>We knew because it made our local papers and yes, we tried to get him help and a serious suspension…and got a coverup instead.
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p>A bully who is not confronted and held accountable goes on to more and more antisocial and illegal actions believing they will get away with them just as they did in school when adults are more afraid of bad publicity then committed to protecting children.
Football and hockey cause bullying? Really? That simple? You must not have played either sport. Sports kept me away from trouble during my formative years. It taught about me teamwork, preparation, concentration, respect and duty. Are some athletes bullies? Sure they are, and some of them are goths, thespians, band members, french club members and some even belong to the chess club.
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p>How does sports fit into this scenario? Phoebe wasn’t bullied by football players or hockey players. She was bullied by mean girls. You know, they are usually well off, attractive and popular girls who lack empathy for other young women. These mean girls drove poor Phoebe to take her own life. Are you for the banning of mean girls?
used the Globe piece today in class as an entry point for a discussion on bullying. I used the article in my sophomore class and asked them whether or not they thought something like that could happen at our school (I already knew the answer to that) and if yes, why? and if no, why not? Their responses were interesting. Roughly two-thirds thought something like that could happen because, essentially, our school is really no different from any other utterly average suburban high school. Interestingly, though, the one-third who said no (out of 26 kids) said several things of interest: a) kids would tell a teacher if they knew someone was being tormented like that b) the girls in our school aren’t mean like that, and c) a few kids said they would confront the bullies themselves. As this was an utterly average class at the critical age (sophomores), I was surprised that so many thought something like that was not likely to happen at our school. Their naivete was sorta sweet.
Glad you had the discussion with your class. I think discussion is a great way to bring awareness. Many kids are unaware of bullying, it does not affect them, many are lured into the culture of bullying as a accepted practice at a particular school. Some kids are bullied by incompetent parents at home and take their problems out on others at school.
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p>I do feel bad for Amber Paw as for the non-response of the school system. I remember that is how most school systems handled the problem in the past. “Boys will be boys” or “they will outgrow it”. Bullying can have a huge impact on the lives of the bullied and the bully and should not be tolerated. We need teachers, administrators, parents, and kids to all adopt a zero tolerance for bullying and to discipline the offenders.
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p>As to the link between athletics and bullying, I am not so sure about that. For every horror story about a bad athlete you can find a story about how sports saved a kid. We do as a society send mixed messages. My district added lacrosse a few years ago due to parent demand. When we had to cut foreign languages at the middle school, only one parent objected. Society sends a lot of mixed messages concerning sports.
A significant portion of today’s bullies are girls, not boys, and they are not the children with low self esteem. They most often have the highest grades and the larges circles of friends. They are the most popular and the most admired in the school, and they view themselves as all powerful and entitled. The days of the low-achieving kid taking out his frustration and anger on “weaker” students are essentially over; that is not what we see in high schools these days. The typical characteristics of the bully has evolved to a large degree.
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p>I think there is something, however, to the athlete/bully link if one considers the status accorded to athletes in most high schools. They get the pep rallies, they get the accolades with all the trophies and awards in cases upon cases in full display in lobbies of American high schools. Similar prestige is not publicly accorded to scholars. Athletes wear their uniforms to school as a badge to separate them from their peers, and for those kids for whom athletics is not a strong suit or an interest, this can be a not-so-subtle way of saying you aren’t one of the elite. When students begin to internalize their “superior” status, well, gang-like bullying can and does occur.
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p>Mean girls walk the halls of every high school in America. They tend, however, to do much of their bullying outside of school, so controlling and intervening in their behavior is difficult. Mean boys walk, as well, but increasingly these days it’s the girls who are the problem, not the boys.
I realize my comments may not be taken kindly, but I have a very different view of bullying. I was bullied, teased, taunted all of my years in school because I was incredibly fat. I hated being teased on a daily basis, but I found the way to deal with those who would berate me and that was to show them my power by not backing down and not taking their crap.
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p>I do not believe you can stop bullying. there are already laws that govern some of the most obnoxious bullying behavior we have seen, the internet and texting have put the problem on a whole new footing. I am a mental health professional and I do not believe that children commit suicide as a direct result of bullying, though I am certain it tips more vulnerable children over the edge.
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p>I think we need to be putting our energies into identifying vulnerable children and to help them develop more resiliency. Schools should be held accountable to preventing this emotional abuse and parents of those who bully need to be made to deal with their child’s bullying as a serious problem.
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p>I don’t see how passing a bill will make any impact in the problem.
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p>Rhonda
As I think I made clear above, I was subject to not just bullying but daily physical attacks in school due to my disabilities and the adults looked the other way. I expect that is part of where my personality developed some of its more original features.
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p>In THIS state there is a great deal of stigma for “vulnerable kids” – just look at Rosie D vs Romney where it was held that our state doesn’t even meet the federal medicare standards for mental health treatment.
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p>Confronting and changing the culture of “go along to get along” and “no snitching” and replacing it with caring, with – yes – being the one to step forward and intervene when something wrong is going on and in fact, treating those who protect the vulnerable as heros.
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p>So what can legislation do? It can mandate training. It can pay for media and use of theater to expand the imagination.
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p>We humans cannot do what we have not imagined. Imagine that kindness and courage were both seen as heroic and desirable. THAT won’t happen…without training, support, and dare I SAY IT – legislation.
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p>And that there was zero tolerance for adult coverups and tolerance of the bullying of the vulnerable outlier.
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p>Not everyone gets tough like you and I did. Some die, and are crippled. I don’t have the brilliance to know why one child becomes resiliant under duress, and another gives up and dies. Maybe another reader can help us with that.
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p>In my own extended family, there are both those who committed suicide – and those who could soldier on.
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p>I will never forget my 91 year old mother, looking at old papers with me, a quiet tear going down her cheek speaking of her father’s suicide, saying, “He never knew you.”
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p>In the best of all worlds, the strong protect the weak – and Rhonda, dare I suggest that means you, and I, and the legislature?
I believe we should do everything in our power to stop bullying. I just don’t believe creating one more law will help. We recently had a situation, which I am not sure if it was bullying, but it was upsetting to our daughter. An older boy in the school was calling her a name, related to her heritage when he walked past her. Complained to the school and they told us that he had problems. No kidding. I was clear that I wanted this behavior to stop. It did. When a school does not respond quickly and effectively, my tendency would be to go up the chain within the school system. if that did not work, I would go to the local media. I do not know why some children are so mean and cruel. There are theories about this behavior. It is a bigger problem when you have parents who knowingly, or not support, minimize, or defend their child’s bullying behavior. I also worry hat schools have been mandated to do more and more with fewer and fewer resources that does not directly effect education, health initiatives(I for one do not want the school to be involved in the child’s health. We have a pediatrician for that) and social services. Education and consequences for bullying children