Weekly Joke Revue: Stewart/Colbert Dueling 10/30 DC Marches, Kimmel pro-masturbation campaign

Sanity vs. Fear: Stewart and Colbert Announcement Dueling Marches on Washington:

Stewart described his plea for sanity as a movement of “people who have been too busy to go to rallies” – to “beg America to stop shouting, throwing and drawing Hitler mustaches on people other than Hitler (or Charlie Chaplin).” He said he hopes to garner the “70-to-80 percent of Americans who aren’t extremists on the right or left.”

“You may be asking yourself, right now, sitting at home, but am I the right type of person to go to this rally,” said Stewart. “The fact that you would even stop to ask yourself that question, as opposed to just, let’s say, jumping up, grabbing the nearest stack of holy books, strapping on a diaper and just pointing your car towards D.C. – that means I think you might just be right for it.”

The event is certain to lend itself to some amusing signage, and Stewart already offered some suggestions: “I disagree with you, but I’m pretty sure you’re not Hitler,” “Got competence?” and “I’m not afraid of Muslims, Tea Partiers, socialists, immigrants gun owners or gays, but I am kind of scared of spiders.”

Jimmy Kimmel launches a pro-masturbation crusade in response to Tea Partier Christine O’Donnell’s Delaware Republican primary victory:

I have a feeling Christine O’Donnell opposes masturbation the same way Bristol Palin opposes pre-marital sex. … I’m not a political person. I keep to myself. I’m not one to get involved in these things. I’m not proud to say I’ll stand by as our leaders drag us into wars based on false pretenses. I’ll stand by while our oceans are polluted by greedy corporations who only care about money. I’ll stand by while our military blatantly discriminates against our own armed forced based on their sexual preferences. But I’ll tell you something. When our right to masturbate is threatened, that’s where I draw the line. What goes on between me in my own bedroom, and car sometimes, is my business, not the government’s.

So listen up, Christine O’Donnell – and Rosie O’Donnell too while we’re at it – we need to send a message to Washington, people. This November, I want everyone who believes in basic human rights to touch themselves in the voting booth. I want to say this to Christine O’Donnell. I want you and your followers to know one thing: you’ll take away this penis when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

More on O’Donnell and her anti-masturbation jihad:

Jay Leno: “She is against masturbation. Frankly, I don’t think it’s any of her business what I do in the privacy of that voting booth. This is America. Once you close that little curtain, you should be able to pull any lever you want.”

Jon Stewart (after showing a clip of O’Donnell saying, “You’re gonna be pleasing each other and if he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, then why am I in the picture?”): “You’re in the picture, my dear, because as Oscar Wilde once said, ‘I can’t reach it with my mouth.'”

Stephen Colbert (after showing a clip of O’Donnell saying, “The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery, so you can’t masturbate without lust.”): “Thank you madam. Masturbation is adultery. I know this is horrible news for my home audience, many of whom are committing adultery as we speak.”

Onion: Obama Releases 500,000 Men From U.S. Strategic Bachelor Reserve.  

Obama Releases 500,000 Men From U.S. Strategic Bachelor Reserve

Briefs:

Onion: Nation Once Again Comes Under Sway Of Pink-Faced Half-Wit: The most recent pink-faced halfwit has reportedly captured the popular imagination through the conventional vehicles of a nationally syndicated talk-radio program and a cable news television show. According to media analyst Rebecca Ellington, the pink-faced half-wit has mesmerized the nation by spewing out hundreds of predictably reactionary and emotionally manipulative on-air diatribes.

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