Maryland House of Delegates Member Emmett C. Burns is hardly a poster child for the American Right. He’s African American. And he’s a Democrat. He’s also a Baptist minister who “introduced House Bill 90 to invalidate marriages between same-sex couples validly entered into in another state or in a foreign country.” After Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo voiced his support for marriage equality, Burns sent a letter to Ravens’ owner Steve Bisciotti asking him to make Ayanbadejo shut up:
“Many of my constituents and your football supporters are appalled and aghast that a member of the Ravens Football Team would step into this controversial divide and try to sway public opinion one way or the other.. “Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment and excitement.”
He then asks Bisciotti to “inhibit such expressions,” a kind of “injurious behavior,” in the future. In response, Chris Kluwe, punter for the Minnesota Vikings, wrote this open letter. I offer it here purely for entertainment purposes and the fact that it’s not only Curt Schilling and Tony LaRussa that have political points of view:
Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,
I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland’s state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):
1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first, the VERY FIRST Amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should “inhibit such expressions from your employees,” more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, you also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain. What on earth would possess you to be so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person’s right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.
2. “Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement.” Holy fucking shitballs. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who’s “deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland”? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you’re going to say that political views have “no place in a sport”? I can’t even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for “beautiful oppressionism”).
3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you’ll start thinking about penis? “Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!” Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)
I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?
In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I’m fairly certain you might need it.
Sincerely,
Chris KluweP.S. I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.
The Patriots have been very supportive of equal rights. It would be nice to see a member of the organization speak up on this issue.
Just what the founders were probably thinking when they drafted the 1st Amendment.
And I appreciate that different folks use different, ahem, tactics to communicate. I also applaud Chris Kluwe for the letter.
Still, were I Zygi Wilf and if it were permissible within the union contract, I would have a verbal conversation with Mr. Kluwe. “I support your desire and your ability to express political viewpoints, and I will not use my position as ‘the boss’ to try to mute those views, whatever they may be. However, as a representative of the Minnesota Vikings, I ask that you please ensure that your public communications be free from the kind of profanity in your letter.” I might even then add “Because, if it isn’t, I certainly can’t link to your letter from vikings.com or other Vikings media.”
Kluwe discusses his choice of language and offers a cleaner version of his letter as well. Dare I say it is equally entertaining — “ALACK AND ALAS MY TOP HAT HAS FALLEN!”
implementation, not so much. He comes off as remarkably immature for someone who’s maturity is through the roof, as evidenced by his very public defense of something unpopular but morally right. The clean version ends up being a distraction from the issue — he didn’t really write it with the intent of it being a substitute to be used in public discourse; he wrote it to defend his choice of words the first time ’round… which means that he’s already off-message.
He’s a football player, not a PR professional.
“I laughed my (NSFW) off when I read it and I appreciate that different folks use different, ahem, tactics to communicate. I also applaud Chris Kluwe for the letter.”
Let’s see if this embed works.
I read this letter aloud with my teenage daughter in the room, doing some on-the-fly editing as I spoke (all the time realizing that she’s heard similar language elsewhere). She responded that she wasn’t sure what impressed her more: The substance of what he wrote, or the fact that a football player was so literate!