Memo provides details on War on Christmas

Folks, at considerable personal risk, I am sharing an internal Obama administration memo that I just came across, which I believe was overlooked by Edward Snowden.  It has potentially huge political ramifications since it appears to prove that the administration has in fact been engaged in a War on Christmas.  Unfortunately, this information validates the charges leveled against the administration by Michelle Bachmann and all the other right-wingers out there, but it’s more important that the truth come out on this than that I protect the president’s reputation.  So, here it is:

The Pentagon

December 26, 2013

TOP SECRET AND  CONFIDENTIAL!!!!

To: Barry Obama

From: Chuck Hegel, Secy. of Defense

Sir, I am reporting to you and the joint chiefs regarding our recent military and political operations conducted against X-Mass-related events, celebrations,  and command structures in the U.S. and around the world, as well as the latest intelligence in our efforts to hunt down and kill or capture the leader of the entire operation, Santa.

First, by way of military operations, we have successfully launched drone strikes at more than 1,500 manger scenes erected throughout the U.S.  In order to ensure that our actions were constitutional, we targeted only mangers located within a half mile of town halls and other public structures.  The First Amendment of the Constitution, as you know, provides for the separation of church and state.  It was the opinion of the DoD’s general counsel that this separation could be physically set at a half mile.  The Constitution, moreover, doesn’t say that the separation of church and state can’t be accomplished without a little bit of force.

We are considering a “boots-on-the-ground” operation in the form of a military strike next year against the town of Bethlehem in the Middle East, provided we can get cooperation from the Israelis. We believe this town to be the original site of continuing X-Mass-related activities throughout the world.

Our intelligence and non-military operations have been extensive.  First, we received intelligence, by way of Fox News, that Santa is, in fact, a white male.  While he has long believed to be living at the North Pole, we, in fact, have information to indicate that since his divorce five years ago, he has resided in a rented house located near the Viewmont Mall outside Scranton, PA, where he has worked during the past month.  As you know, there are thousands of agents in the U.S. who regularly impersonate Santa in malls during the month of December.  Through the analysis of cell phone communications of individuals throughout the U.S., the NSA has been able to determine with near certainty that the Santa working in the Viewmont Mall is the real Santa.  He is, in fact, a white male, which provides important corroboration of our intelligence.

Finally, I would note that the NSA has intercepted and examined more than 150,000 letters written to Santa during the past six weeks.  We have placed a large number of the letter writers under round-the-clock surveillance to determine whether they are being recruited to carry out X-Mass-related activities in our major cities.  In cases in which the letter writers are under the age of 7, we provided them with packets of information stating that Santa doesn’t really exist.  We expect that action took a significant amount of the “joy” out of the season for those letter-writers and consequently their families.

In sum, we believe our anti-X-Mass operations this year have been more extensive and successful than ever. It appears unfortunately that we haven’t been able to eradicate X-Mass entirely; but with the help of the Republican “grinches” in Congress, we think we will be able to make this time of year continually less pleasant for most of the middle-class in this country for many years to come.

Have a Happy New Year!

Chuck