White House Correspondents Dinner: best jokes by the President (via Daniel Kurtzman):
“Let’s face it, Fox, you’ll miss me when I’m gone. It’ll be harder to convince the American people that Hillary was born in Kenya.”
“And I’m feeling sorry–believe it or not–for the Speaker of the House, as well. These days, the House Republicans actually give John Boehner a harder time than they give me, which means orange really is the new black.”
“Look, I know, Washington seems more dysfunctional than ever. Gridlock has gotten so bad in this town you have to wonder: What did we do to piss off Chris Christie so bad?”
“MSNBC is here—they’re a little over-whelmed. They’ve never seen an audience this big before.”
“The Koch brothers bought a table here tonight, but as usual they used a shadowy right-wing organization as a front. Hello, Fox News.”
“Mr. President—or, as Paul Ryan would call you, another inner city minority taking advantage of the federal government to feed and house your family.”
“Jeb Bush might announce that he’s running. Wow, another Bush in the White House. Is it already time for our every-10-years surprise for Iraq?”
“Chelsea Clinton is pregnant… so in nine months, we will officially have a sequel to ‘Bad Grandpa.’… It also raises the question… when the baby is born, do you give Bill Clinton a cigar?”
“Mitch McConnell said his number one priority was to get the president out of office. So Mitch, congrats on being just two years away from realizing your goal.”
“How about the president’s performance tonight, everyone? It’s amazing that you can still bring it with fresh, hilarious material. My favorite bit of yours was when you said you’d close the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay.”
“I promise tonight will be both amusing and over quickly, just like Christie’s presidential bid. I’ve got a lot of these tonight, so buckle up Chris Christie… excuse me, extender buckle up….Finally, a politician willing to stand up to America’s commuters. Governor, do you want bridge jokes or size jokes? ‘Cause I’ve got a bunch of both. I could go half and half. I know you like a combo platter….I am sorry for that joke, Gov. Christie. I did not know I was going to tell it, but I take full responsibility for it. Whoever wrote it will be fired. But the buck stops here. So I will be a man and own up to it just as soon as I get to the bottom of how it happened because I was unaware it happened until just now. I am appointing a blue-ribbon commission of me to investigate the joke I just told. And if I find any wrongdoing on my part, I assure you I will be dealt with. I just looked
Borowitz:
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of unemployed Americans who have fruitlessly been looking for work for months are determined that Congress get to the bottom of what happened in Benghazi, a new poll indicates.
According to the survey, job-seeking Americans hope that Congress will eventually do something about job creation, but they are adamant that it hold new hearings about Benghazi first.
By a wide majority, respondents to the poll “strongly agreed” with the statement “I would really like to find a job, but not if it in any way distracts Congress from my No. 1 concern: finding out what really happened in Benghazi.”
IN LANDMARK DECISION, SUPREME COURT STRIKES DOWN MAIN REASON COUNTRY WAS STARTED
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what legal experts are calling a landmark decision, on Monday the United States Supreme Court struck down what many believe to be the main reason the country was started.
By a five-to-four vote, the Court eliminated what grade-school children have traditionally been taught was one of the key rationales for founding the United States in the first place.
“The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years,” said Justice Samuel Alito, writing for the majority. “Getting rid of it was long overdue.”
Calling the decision “historic,” Justice Antonin Scalia was guarded in predicting what the Court might accomplish next.
“Last year, we gutted the Voting Rights Act, and today we did the First Amendment,” he said. “We’ll just have to see what’s left.”
“Happy Cinco de Mayo. A lot of Americans think it is Mexican Independence Day. It isn’t. Cinco de Mayo commemorates Mexico’s unlikely victory over the French army in 1862. Not to rain on anyone’s fiesta, but just how unlikely is a victory over the French army?” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is apparently back smoking the crack. There is a picture of him smoking the crack and a videotape is out as well. Is there a videotape out there of him not smoking crack?” –David Letterman
“The crack dealer videotaped him smoking crack. It is a sad state of affairs, ladies and gentlemen, when you can’t trust your drug dealer.” –David Letterman
kirth says
Turns out Joel McHale isn’t really very funny. Maybe that’s why I never heard of him. His Guantanamo joke was particularly off.
JimC says
n/t
jconway says
I liked that joke, and it continues the Colbert tradition of speaking hard truth to power. I also liked the Christie lines as well. The President always does well at these events, wish he had legislative advisers as competent as his speech and joke writers, but at least he isn’t rapping with Karl Rove which was the Bush administrations attempt at contributing to comedy.
And McHale hosts the Soup and until recently helmed one of the funniest shows on network television.
And since this is an open thread about comedy, way to go Jon Stewart! I was terrified that losing the Colbert Report would enable the careers of the annoying Josh Hardwick or offensively unfunny John Tosh. Instead, we get the Minority Report-(hopefully the ‘T’ continues to be silent).
Also anyone with an HBO subscription should watch John Oliver’s new show. My five free months the cable company gave me just ended, but I renewed on the strength of Veep, Oliver, Maher, and my insatiable new found addiction to Game of Thrones.
dave-from-hvad says
1) 7 minutes I will never get back; and 2) VP’s really don’t have anything to do.