“Today the Pentagon announced they are going to spend millions shooting clouds with super-lasers to create more precipitation. It’s in The Washington Post newspaper. A newspaper is like a blog except everything is from yesterday.” –Craig Ferguson
“The NBA has banned Donald Sterling for life for his racist comments. If Sterling has a problem with black people, maybe he should think about owning a hockey team.” –Jimmy Fallon
“On the bright side, at least Sterling still has a wife and girlfriend to lean on.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he doesn’t think Donald Sterling should be kicked out of the league for comments made in private conversation. After hearing this Sterling said, ‘Wow, this is the first time I’ve liked a Cuban.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced plans to build the Barack Obama College Preparatory High School, which will open in 2017. The Obama school is expected to be very popular…at first.” –Seth Meyers
MILLIONAIRES UNITE TO DEFEAT MINIMUM WAGE
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – A broad-based coalition of millionaires converged on Washington today to defeat a bill that would have increased the minimum wage for American workers to $10.10 an hour.
Leaving behind their mansions and yachts, the millionaires were motivated by what they saw as an existential threat to the country, Mitch McConnell, a spokesman for the millionaires, said.
“This was an extremely diverse coalition,” McConnell said, noting that everyone from the rich to the very rich to the super-rich united to vote down the bill.
McConnell hoped that today’s vote would burnish the millionaires’ reputation as “people who get things done.”
“Folks who have tried to pin a ‘do nothing’ label on us are dead wrong,” he said. “When it comes to stopping workers from being paid more, we spring into action.”