Borowitz:
Used Tool Purchased for $1.8 Million
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—A used tool that has been on the market for several months was purchased on Tuesday for the whopping price of $1.8 million.
While it may not have set a new record, the sale price raised eyebrows, with many observers noting that $1.8 million was a lot to pay for this particular tool.
But others defended the purchase, arguing that the tool had been successfully bought and sold many times in the past.
CNN Begins Coverage of Royal Pregnancy
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—CNN kicked off its coverage of the latest royal pregnancy on Monday by simulating the journey of Prince William’s sperm to Kate Middleton’s egg.
Holding two plastic models of the Windsors’ reproductive cells, the CNN host Don Lemon offered viewers a dramatic re-creation of the path taken by the royal spermatozoon.
The CNN president Jeff Zucker praised the demonstration, calling it “the perfect way to kick off our twenty-four-hour coverage of this story for the next nine months.”
“This is the most important story of the year, and we plan to throw everything at it,” Zucker said, adding that he was reassigning reporters who are currently working from Ukraine. …
McCain Rips Obama’s Failure to Bomb Stonehenge
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) blasted President Obama on Saturday for failing to bomb Stonehenge while in the United Kingdom for the NATO summit.
“This is a time when it’s important to send our enemies the message that the United States is strong,” McCain told Fox News. “I can think of no better way to do that than by blowing Stonehenge off the map.”
“Tonight President Obama will make a prime-time speech about how we’re going to deal with violent extremists and their sickening behavior. And when he’s done talking about the NFL, he’ll talk about ISIS.” –Conan O’Brien
“The New York Times had to issue a correction after an article referred to Dick Cheney as president of the United States. The Times apologized to Dick Cheney and changed his title to ‘former president of the United States.'” –Conan O’Brien
“The president reassured Americans that while we face no immediate threat from ISIS, we’ve got a ton of bombs sitting around so we’re going to use them.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Guess who we may be partnering with to fight ISIS. None other than Iran. Iran used to be our enemy back, like, last week, but now we may be upgrading our relationship to frenemy.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Prince William and his bride are expecting her second baby. That’s pretty quick for Kate to have a second baby. It’s almost as if producing an heir is her job.” –Craig Ferguson
“This week President Obama will announce his plans for addressing the threat posed by ISIS extremists in Iraq. It’s an incredibly difficult situation. I think at this point he should just tell Liam Neeson that they have his daughter.” –Seth Meyers
“Of course, it’ll get weird when Chris Christie’s family says, ‘No, no, no, you’re supposed to blow the candles out BEFORE you eat it!'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Chris Christie has to brush up on foreign policy, so he went to Mexico. Remember when he was in Africa? He was followed by ivory poachers. Now he’s in Mexico, and he was taunted by a matador.” –David Letterman
“Apple plans to launch a mobile wallet to replace credit cards. That’s good because if there’s one company you want to trust with your money, it’s the company that leaked your nude photos.” –Conan O’Brien
