Benghazi Committee Instructs Hillary Clinton To Limit Answers To ‘I Failed The American People’
WASHINGTON—Saying it represented the most efficient use of the panel’s time, members of the House Select Committee on Benghazi instructed Hillary Clinton on Thursday to limit her answers to “I failed the American people.” “We are going to ask that you confine your remarks today to ‘I failed the American people,’ or variations such as ‘I am to blame for this atrocity’ or ‘There is innocent blood on my hands,’” said chairman Trey Gowdy (R-SC), explaining that the committee and the nation as a whole were solely interested in testimony in which the former secretary of state succinctly accepted all blame for the 2012 attacks that left four Americans dead. “In order to ensure we get the information we need, it’s vital that you simply and repeatedly own up to your criminal lapse in judgment, though you are free to declare yourself responsible for other disastrous failures of the U.S. government if you wish.” …
Clinton Thanks Benghazi Committee for Invaluable Service to Her Campaign
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an official statement on Friday morning, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton thanked the House Select Committee on Benghazi for what she called an “invaluable service to my Presidential campaign.”
In contrast with the adversarial tone of much of Thursday’s hearings, Clinton’s statement was characterized by fulsome gratitude as she singled out the Republicans on the committee for praise.
“For months, my campaign has been rocked by difficulties and doubts,” she said. “Yesterday, with your help, all of that changed.”
Clinton gave special thanks to the committee chairman, Representative Trey Gowdy, Republican of South Carolina, who she said “went far beyond the call of duty to help get my candidacy back on track.”
“One lingering question about me as a politician has been whether people like me enough to vote for me,” she said. “I want to thank you, Trey Gowdy, for making me seem likable.” …
Paul Ryan Awaiting SoulCycle Instructor’s Approval Before Accepting Speaker Role
WASHINGTON—Stressing that the difficult decision needed to be discussed with those closest to him, Wisconsin representative Paul Ryan told reporters Thursday that he was still awaiting the firm approval of his trusted SoulCycle instructor before accepting the House Speaker role. “While serving as Speaker of the House would certainly be a great honor, I could not even consider stepping into that post unless I absolutely had the full blessing of Craig,” said Ryan, adding that his inclination to accept the House’s top leadership position was entirely dependent on the unwavering support of his longtime instructor, who he’s been with since SOUL101. …
“Donald Trump is now trying to appeal to Southerners. Yeah, he’s been touring the South and pointing to his hair, saying ‘How y’all like my critter?'” –Conan OBrien
“Canada’s new Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, once put on a striptease show for charity. In Canada, a strip tease just means unzipping your outer layer of fleece.” –Conan O’Brien
“Don’t worry. Tonight we’re going to give everyone in the audience basketball dipped in cologne so you can fully experience what it would have been like had Donald Trump been here.” –Jimmy Kimmel
‘Donald Trump went on a rant about how horrible socialism is. But you know what, isn’t Trump’s hair socialism? It’s the richer hair covering the poorer hair for the good of the head.’–Bill Maher
“New research shows that China has a bigger middle class than America, and more people in China are living what we would call the ‘American Dream.’ That’s when you know things are bad – when even the American DREAM is made in China.” –Jimmy Fallon
