Joke Revue: GOP Debate winners and losers

The Onion summarizes the winners and losers of the GOP debate:

Winners

Ted Cruz: Emitted his policies toward the audience at an impressive 105 dB
Chris Christie: Found a good, firm grip on his podium that he really liked
Lindsey Graham: Home from early debate in time for American Pickers marathon
Mike Huckabee: Won over audience with stirring, heartfelt story about everyday presidential candidates struggling to evade basic questions
Debate Moderators: Somehow able to get under the skin of notoriously calm, reasonable group of GOP candidates …
Jeb Bush: Only has to endure a couple more weeks of this

Losers

Rand Paul: Sure to plunge in the polls after committing cardinal sin of fighting with the debate moderators …
Ben Carson: Failed to bring up his really cool Siamese twin separation thing even once
CNBC: Independent of the night’s proceedings, CNBC remains a terrible network
Working-Class Women: Forced to endure Carly Fiorina associating herself with them …

More Onioning:

Jeb Bush Inching Podium Closer To Center Of Stage During Commercial Breaks

BOULDER, CO—Speculating that he might be nudging it just a tiny bit with his foot or something, Americans viewing Wednesday’s Republican presidential debate said that candidate Jeb Bush appeared to be inching his podium closer to the center of the stage during the commercial breaks. “I definitely don’t think he was standing that close to the middle before,” said Phoenix resident Jim Rawson, adding that over the course of four commercial breaks, it seemed as if Bush had closed the gap between himself and the center-stage candidates by at least a foot. “I mean, I’m not imagining this, am I?” At press time, Bush was hastily dragging his podium to its original spot after audibly scraping it against that of fellow candidate Ben Carson.

Borowitz Report:

Jeb Quits Race with “Mission Accomplished” Banner

MIAMI (The Borowitz Report)—Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced that he was dropping out of the race for the Republican Presidential nomination, while standing in front of a “Mission Accomplished” banner draped over the façade of his campaign headquarters, in Miami.

Speaking to his remaining staff members who were seated in a dozen folding chairs, Bush thanked them for the hard work that led to the triumphant completion of their mission.

“Our work is done,” Bush said. “Thanks to you, we have prevailed.”

While acknowledging that he took pride in the impressive success of his campaign, Bush stressed that victory did not belong to him alone. “This is a great day for America,” he said.

Upon the conclusion of his remarks, Bush bade farewell to his staffers with a military-style salute before stepping into a waiting helicopter and ascending to the skies.

Minutes after Bush flew away, however, reporters asked senior Bush staffers to define more clearly the mission that Bush had deemed accomplished.

“We feel really good about the work we did, our ground game, getting the word out about Jeb’s accomplishments as a conservative Governor in Florida,” said Bush’s campaign manager, Danny Diaz, who added, “Please, just leave me alone.”

Daniel Kurtzman:

“Tonight was the World Series and the Republican debate. In other words, two events with completely different attitudes toward Latino immigrants.” –Conan O’Brien

“The two front-runners: Ben Carson, who doesn’t believe in evolution; and Donald Trump, who kind of proves his point.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Paul Ryan finally agreed to run for Speaker of the House even though he’s repeatedly said he didn’t want to run. So basically, Paul Ryan is that guy at karaoke who just pretends like he doesn’t want to sing.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In response to his drop to second in the polls, Donald Trump said today that he will run until the very end and does not mind running from behind. Trump says he knows what it’s like to be the underdog, because he wears one on his head.” –Seth Meyers

“Last week Democratic candidates Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb announced that they are dropping out of the race. Which raises the question, what if two trees fall in the forest and there’s nobody there to hear it?” –Jimmy Fallon

“All the candidates are trying to reinvent themselves, but sometimes they try a little too hard. Jeb Bush last week tried to appeal to a younger, hipper audience when he called ‘Supergirl’ pretty hot. Jeb Bush calling ‘Supergirl’ pretty hot is something your stepdad says when he’s trying to connect with you.” –James Corden

“Ben Carson tried to kill one of his friends with a camping knife, but sure, let’s keep talking about whether Hillary Clinton used Yahoo or Gmail.” –James Corden

“A new poll conducted by the Associated Press shows a majority of Republican voters think Donald Trump is the most electable Republican candidate. Saying Donald Trump is the most electable candidate is like saying glazed is the healthiest doughnut. Is it possible people don’t know what the word electable means? Do they think it means delicious?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, Jeb Bush is trying to get momentum going by releasing a new book. It’s a collection of emails he sent and received when he was governor of Florida. The book is called ‘Reply all.’ Because nothing gets people excited like group email.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Researchers somewhere studied 75 brands of hot dogs and found some of them contained human DNA … I guess my bologna really does have a first name.” –Stephen Colbert

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