Borowitz:
Carson Hopes Debate Will Focus on Lost City of Atlantis
MILWAUKEE (The Borowitz Report)—Arguing that the voters have tired of “gotcha questions,” the Republican Presidential candidate Ben Carson said that he hoped Tuesday night’s debate would “focus on the real issues facing this country, like finding the lost city of Atlantis.”
“The American people don’t want to hear personal attacks,” Carson told reporters. “They want to know which candidate has the best plan for locating Atlantis and recovering its storied treasures.”
Carson said that finding Atlantis was central to his plan for reviving the U.S. economy. “We could start paying down the national debt with one jewel-encrusted trident,” he said.
As part of his continuing campaign against the mainstream media, Carson said that he would resist all attempts by debate moderators to get him to disclose his actual name and occupation.
Onion:
Carly Fiorina Shares Heartbreaking Story About Father Of 3 Who Couldn’t Meet Sales Goals
MILWAUKEE—Saying his struggle was illustrative of how our economic system has failed countless hardworking Americans over the past 20 years, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina shared a heartbreaking story at Tuesday night’s GOP primary debate about a father of three who simply couldn’t meet his sales goals. “I met a man in Palo Alto, California by the name of Roger, a family man with three young daughters who worked his whole life to do his best and take care of them, but he lost a good tech-sector job after coming up less than a hundred units shy of his Q2 sales benchmark—his livelihood, his sense of security disappeared just like that,” said Fiorina, who explained how she would never forget the sad, desperate look in the man’s eyes as he told her how he worried about exhausting his savings and asked her if there was anything she could do for him. “And these stories are all too common. Over the years, I’ve met many people just like Roger, who did the best they could every day, only to have the rug swept out from under them when, through no fault of their own, their company entered disastrous mergers with other industry giants, labeled them as redundant, and sent them packing. How can workers get ahead in a system rigged like that?”
