Borowitz:
Carson: Loss of Keystone Leaves U.S. With No Place to Store Grain
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Presidential candidate Ben Carson has issued a dire warning that President Obama’s cancellation of the Keystone Pipeline has left the United States with “virtually no place to store grain.”
Without the massive pipeline, Carson told Fox News, the nation’s network of silos is woefully inadequate “to store the bounty of grain that we soweth.”
Carson said that as President, he would seek additional places to store grain, such as “the hollowed-out heads on Mt. Rushmore.” …
Onion:
Wealthiest Americans Ominously Remind Nation They Could Easily Drop Another $10 Billion On Election
WASHINGTON—Calmly stating that they would not even need to think twice about doing so, the nation’s wealthiest individuals ominously reminded the populace during a press conference Wednesday that they could easily drop another $10 billion on the 2016 election. “We want to make it completely clear to voters that there’s absolutely no reason—none at all—why we couldn’t shell out another $10 billion between now and next November,” said casino magnate Sheldon Adelson on behalf of the top tenth of a percent of income-earners in the U.S., adding that creating dozens of new and extremely well-funded super PACs would mean practically nothing to them. “Trust me, we’ve got plenty to throw around, so it really wouldn’t be a problem. We could spread it around a bunch of congressional races, or, heck, we could put it all on one presidential candidate—it doesn’t really affect us much either way. Why don’t we toss in a billion right now just to give you a taste?” The nation’s wealthiest families then added that they would have no problem repeating the process for the next 30 election cycles before silently walking off the stage.
Jeb Bush, American statesman: quotes by the candidate from the campaign trail, compiled by Daniel Kurtzman:
“I’m a grinder.
This is like, for me, the greater the adversity, the more – first of all, it means I’m going to get better, I got to get better, I know I have to get better. I have enough self awareness – I don’t have this gigantic ego that says, well, they’re just stupid, Iowa voters don’t understand me, they’re eating Monsanto-laced agriculture products.” –Jeb Bush reflecting on his campaign performance
“Look stuff happens, there’s always a crisis and the impulse is always to do something and it’s not always the right thing to do.” -Jeb Bush, shrugging off calls for gun control following a mass shooting at an Oregon college, Oct.
“As it relates to my brother, there’s one thing I know for sure: He kept us safe.” -Jeb Bush, forgetting 9/11 during a Republican presidential debate, Sept. 16, 2015
“Taking out Saddam Hussein turned out to be a pretty good deal.” -Jeb Bush on the Iraq war, which killed at least 4,424 U.S. troops and 115,000 Iraqi civilians, while costing taxpayers over $1.7 trillion and opening the floodgates for ISIS, Aug.
“I’m not sure we need a half a billion dollars for women’s health programs.” -Jeb Bush, criticizing Planned Parenthood, Aug. 4, 2015
“We need to figure out a way to phase out this program.” -Jeb Bush on Medicare, July 23, 2015
“Why would our President close our Embassy to the Vatican? Hopefully, it is not retribution for Catholic organizations opposing Obamacare.” -Jeb Bush, mistakenly accusing President Obama of closing the Vatican when the embassy in fact moved into another building, in a Nov. 7, 2013 tweet
