Seamus memorial edition. R.I.P. old fellow.
Borowitz:
Trump’s Focus on Muslims Distracting Him from Campaign Against Mexicans, Supporters Fear
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—There are growing fears among supporters of the Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump that his new focus on Muslims is distracting him from his campaign against Mexicans.
After the billionaire said he would consider shutting down mosques if he were President, supporters expressed concern that such signature proposals as a wall with Mexico and mass deportations were being lost in the shuffle.
Carol Foyler, who viewed a recent Trump appearance on television, said that she was “alarmed” to hear him talk about closing mosques “without mentioning the wall with Mexico even once.” “I just worry, I guess, that with all of this talk about Muslims he’s really forgetting about Mexicans,” she said. “It feels kind of like a bait-and-switch.”
Another Trump supporter, Harland Dorrinson, agreed. “Shutting down the mosques is a great idea, sure, but he shouldn’t do that if it’s going to divert resources from forcibly deporting eleven million immigrants,” he said. “I would be very sad to see that happen.”
But Tracy Klugian, a die-hard Trump volunteer who is working for his campaign in Iowa, called such criticism of her candidate “misguided.” “You don’t get to be a successful businessman like Donald Trump without being able to multitask,” she said.
Carson Announces Detailed Plan to Google Syria
DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report)—In a major foreign-policy announcement on Wednesday, the Republican Presidential candidate Ben Carson unveiled a detailed plan to Google Syria. …
He said that “Google holds the key” to many questions about Syria. “Where is it? Who lives there? How many square miles is it? These are all things that have to be pinned down,” he said.
“Last night, Bobby Jindal announced that he is dropping out of the race for president. I guess that after talking it over with family and friends, he realized that even THEY didn’t know he was running for president.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Bernie Sanders will deliver a speech tomorrow, which pundits say will seek to clarify his identity as a Democratic socialist. He’ll explain that ‘Democratic’ means he believes everyone should have an equal say, and ‘socialist’ means he’s not getting elected.” –Seth Meyers
“Governor Chris Christie said in an interview yesterday that New Jersey would not accept Syrian refugees. Which is too bad, because Syrian refugees would be the first people ever to arrive in New Jersey and say, ‘Hey, this is MUCH better!'” –Seth Meyers
“The Democratic candidates went head-to-head Saturday night in their second debate, where unlike the Ronda Rousey fight, we saw a woman knock out TWO opponents.” –Jimmy Fallon
“If you watched the debate on mute, it looked like Bernie Sanders spent two hours angrily sending his soup back at the deli.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Lately, Trump has been pretty cranky about losing his lead in the polls over retired neurosurgeon and ‘Guy who sits next to you in an otherwise empty theater,’ Ben Carson. Evidently, people have been looking at Trump and thinking, ‘Maybe we shouldn’t elect a man who shouts crazy things. Maybe we should elect a man who whispers crazy things.'” –Stephen Colbert
“First Ben Carson said he attacked his mother with a hammer, now Ben Carson’s mother is saying she’s the one who attacked Ben with a hammer. I don’t know about you, but that’s going to be one awkward Thanksgiving at the Carson house.” –Conan O’Brien
“Ben Carson did say he’s tired about answering questions about his personal history. The last thing Ben Carson needs is to be even more tired than he already appears to be.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump said Ben Carson is wrong about the Egyptian pyramids being used to store grain, because the pyramids are solid. And that, ladies and gentlemen, perfectly sums up the Republican presidential race.” –Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump weighed in on the controversial decision by Starbucks to remove Christmas imagery from their holiday cups, saying, ‘If I become president, we’re all going to be saying Merry Christmas again.’ Though the only way I could see Donald Trump saying ‘Merry Christmas’ is if he’s correcting someone who just said ‘Feliz Navidad.'” Seth Meyers
“SeaWorld is phasing out its killer whale show. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘More killers set free under Obama.'” –Conan O’Brien
“Dr. Ben Carson is drawing intense criticism after reports have surfaced that he may have embellished his history of violence as a teen, his scholarship to West Point, and other parts of his life story. Not only that, but it turns out the twins he separated were fraternal.” –Seth Meyers
“The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree arrived on Friday. They’re calling the tree ‘Jeb’ because it’s a dying bush.” –Seth Meyers
