Borowitz:
Study: Scalia Better Off in “Less Advanced” Court
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A new study conducted by legal scholars indicates that Justice Antonin Scalia would fare better if he served as a judge at a court that was “less advanced” than the United States Supreme Court.
According to the study, Scalia’s struggles to perform his duties in a competent fashion stem from his being inappropriately placed on a court that is “too demanding” for a person of his limited abilities.
“Forcing Justice Scalia to weigh in on complex legal issues that he lacks the background or aptitude to comprehend is, at the end of the day, cruel,” the study said.
The legal scholars theorized that Scalia would be more likely to thrive in a “lesser court where he does not feel that he is being pushed to hear cases that are too challenging for him.”
“If Scalia were reassigned to a ‘slow track’ institution such as a town traffic court, that would be better for everyone,” the study recommended.
Congress Marks Third Anniversary of Doing Nothing After Newtown
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what has become a tradition in the nation’s capital, the United States Congress on Monday notched the third anniversary of doing nothing in the aftermath of the mass shooting in Newtown, Connecticut.
As on the first and second anniversaries of the tragedy, lawmakers took up no new measures to prevent future mass shootings in the United States, and instead chose to mark Newtown’s third anniversary with a day of inaction.
In that respect, the third anniversary of Newtown resembles the thousand-plus days that came before it, during which Congress took no action on guns except to periodically vote down expanded background checks.
Interestingly, during this same period of time, many of these legislators were able to sleep at night, sources say.
According to one congressional staffer, Harland Dorrinson, marking the anniversary of Newtown by doing nothing about guns is a tradition that is unlikely to change in the halls of Congress anytime soon.
“This should be a day of prayer and quiet reflection,” he said. “This should not be a day of doing something to make things better.”
Onion:
WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.
The two brothers and energy industry magnates, who for decades have gathered to share a holiday meal and open presents next to the Christmas tree in Charles’ Wichita home, admitted they were a bit embarrassed to learn they had each given the other U.S. Rep. Lee Zeldin’s congressional seat, but said they ultimately shrugged off the coincidence.
“Now that I think about it, I can’t believe this has never happened before. It was probably bound to sooner or later. I guess we just know each other too well!”
“When we realized we both bought New York’s 1st District, we just looked at each other and laughed,” said Charles Koch, who acknowledged that he and David have pretty similar tastes. “Now that I think about it, I can’t believe this has never happened before. It was probably bound to sooner or later. I guess we just know each other too well!”“At least it’s something we can enjoy using together,” he added. …
