Onion:
Moderators Give Marco Rubio 90 Seconds To Deliver Closing Statement Of Campaign
MIAMI—Allowing the candidate to leave viewers with a final impression before the broadcast concluded, CNN moderator Jake Tapper reportedly gave Marco Rubio 90 seconds to deliver his campaign’s closing statement at the end of Thursday night’s Republican debate. “We have reached the conclusion of our debate, and now, Senator Rubio, you will have 90 seconds to wrap up your campaign for president of the United States,” said Tapper, advising the Florida senator to be concise and direct with his final words of the election cycle. “This is your last chance to speak directly to the American people before exiting the national stage, so please utilize your time wisely. You may now begin.” Tapper went on to assure John Kasich that he would have the same chance after Rubio was finished.
Gallup Forced To Destroy Defective Sample Group That Failed To Accurately Forecast Michigan Primary
WASHINGTON—Explaining that it had been left with no other choice after witnessing the election returns earlier this week, polling firm Gallup announced Thursday that it was forced to destroy a defective sample group that had failed to accurately forecast the Democratic primary in Michigan. “Unfortunately, it was clear by the time 60 percent of precincts had reported that something was seriously wrong with the participants in our telephone surveys, so we had to make the tough but necessary decision to put all of them down as quickly as possible,” said Gallup CEO Jim Clifton, adding that the 1,200 poll respondents were immediately gathered from across the state and eradicated “swiftly, but humanely” for having inaccurately projected Hillary Clinton would defeat Bernie Sanders by 21 percentage points. “We still don’t know exactly how these unexpected complications arose, but once we saw the group wasn’t properly reflecting the turnout of independents and voters under 29, we had to eliminate them before they caused any more damage. I just wish we had caught it before Tuesday, because all of this could have been avoided.” Clifton added that as a preventative measure, Gallup has already quarantined all sample groups in the state of Illinois and will not release them until the organization is sure its polling projections will fall within a 3-point margin of error.
“Last night in the presidential primary race, Donald Trump skipped the political talk during his victory speech and instead took the opportunity to promote some of his Trump brand products: Trump Steaks, Trump Magazine, Trump Wine. The only thing I can think of being worse than Trump 2016 is a bottle of 2016 Trump.” –James Corden
“Also, you can tell that it’s Trump’s winery because they only sell white.” –James Corden
“Trump was upset that Mitt Romney said a bunch of his business ventures failed so he set these tables up on stage to showcase some of his many products. There’s the water and the wine and the meat. Is this Fox News or QVC?” –Jimmy Kimmel
“They’re up on the stage next to him as he spoke. It’s like he made a trip to Costco right before the speech. Boy did Chris Christie pick the wrong night to be on that stage, huh?” –Jimmy Kimmel
“After six months I think we’re starting to take for granted how weird this is. Imagine if before Obama was president, when he was running, he was the spokesman for ShamWow or something. At the end of every speech he spilled coffee on the podium and wiped it up.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Sunday night was the series finale of ‘Downton Abbey.’ But don’t worry, if you still want to hear a bunch of rich white people talking like it’s the 1920s, tune in to the next Republican debate.” –Jimmy Fallon
“I’m not sure who would buy a Ted Cruz yoga mat. But they’re a real thing. They’re American made. Unlike Ted himself.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump has dropped to second place in a national poll. On the bright side, he’s still polling Number 1 among ‘Germans of the 1930s.” – Conan O’Brien
“There were more caucuses and primaries over the weekend. Donald Trump and Ted Cruz each won two states. Rubio won Puerto Rico. Bernie Sanders won a few states. Hillary Clinton won big in Louisiana. Everyone went home with a win letter just like soccer camp. Even John Kasich got one for participation.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“He also got a high-profile endorsement from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold officially endorsed John Kasich yesterday. Or maybe he endorsed a chicken quesadilla, I have no idea. I really don’t know what he’s saying. He can’t even say ‘State of California.'” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Chris Christie stood right behind Trump at his victory speech last night and a lot of people noticed that Christie didn’t look too happy about it. Christie’s face is basically America’s face. It’s like: It’s really happening?” –Jimmy Fallon
“Carson’s the first human to get 25 hours of sleep per day. I feel bad making fun of Carson, but it’s not like he’s gonna see it.” –Jimmy Fallon
