Borowitz:
No One in Nation Notices Total Disappearance of Chris Christie
TRENTON (The Borowitz Report)—No one in the United States has taken note of the total disappearance of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who vanished from view several weeks ago.
In interviews with residents across the country, few if any Americans displayed interest in, or concern about, the whereabouts of Christie, who, until he disappeared, had been a once-prominent political figure.
“I hadn’t really thought about him until you mentioned it,” said Trenton resident Carol Foyler, echoing the opinions of many others in the Garden State.
“Huh,” she added.
Tracy Klugian, a resident of Teaneck, said that it took him a moment to remember who Christie was, but then acknowledged that it was “kind of weird” that he had disappeared.
“I mean, he used to be here and now he’s not,” he said. “Whatever.”
At the University of Minnesota, the historian Davis Logsdon said it was “highly unusual” for a governor of such a major state to simply drop off the radar without anyone noticing.
“Chris Christie’s disappearance raises a whole host of questions,” he said. “Where did he go? When did he leave? Does he plan to come back? To be honest with you, I don’t care.”
Efforts to contact Governor Christie for this article were not made.
Onion:
BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night. “Oh, Jesus, for a few seconds there I actually found myself agreeing on a deep, personal level with the things I was saying—what the hell was I thinking?” said the shaken GOP frontrunner, recalling with horror that, right in the middle of his speech, he started to readily accept his vows that he would unite the country, force Mexico to finance the construction of a border wall, and eradicate ISIS. “Wow, I’m not sure how I started buying into that load of bullshit about other countries starting to respect the U.S. if I become president. That’s just so clearly ridiculous. I’ve got to be on my toes a little more and make sure this never happens again.” Trump also reportedly expressed serious concern that many of his supporters appeared to believe him when he said he would act more presidential if elected.
“We have New Jersey governor Chris Christie on the show tonight, which means right now, Donald Trump is unlocking his basement going, ‘Oh, no, he escaped.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“In an interview, Spike Lee said that Bernie Sanders’ campaign song should be ‘Brooklyn’s in the House.’ Today, Bernie Sanders said, ‘I don’t know who this ‘Spike Lee’ is, but I hope he can deliver the Asian vote.'” –Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders have scheduled a debate for next Thursday in Brooklyn. Which is about as close as Bernie Sanders can get to Wall Street without spontaneously combusting.” –Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump is polling so badly with women that at a rally last night, he had his wife, Melania, introduce him. Because if there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to get American women on your side, it’s a foreign model who’s married to a billionaire and never has to work.” –Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump told The Washington Post that he’ll be able to get the United States completely out of debt in eight years. When asked how, Trump was like, ‘Easy, declare bankruptcy and start fresh! It’s fantastic. I’ve done it already. It’s amazing.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Bernie Sanders said today that none of the ideas he’s proposed in his campaign are radical or unrealistic other than, of course, the idea of a 74-year-old Jewish president with a $2 haircut.” –Seth Meyers
“I saw that Jeb Bush is going back to giving speeches after his failed run for the Republican nomination. He’s actually a very talented motivational speaker, because after you listen to his life story, you feel great about yourself.” –Jimmy Fallon
“An STD clinic in Los Angeles is copying Bernie Sanders’ campaign slogan to advertise its testing services. ‘Feel the burn? Freestdtest.org.’ Makes sense because just like STDs, Bernie’s campaign is super popular on college campuses.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump met with the Republican National Committee today. I wish I could have been a part of that meeting. Like Dr. Frankenstein meeting with his monster.” –Jimmy Kimmel
