A selection from The Onion’s How A Contested Convention Would Work explainer:
Q. What is an unbound delegate?
A. A national party representative who is allowed to undermine the democratic process if they feel like it.Q: What happens in the second round, when many delegates are freed up from being bound to their original candidate?
A: The greatest power rush an Idaho county treasurer has ever felt in his life.Q: What are the risks of a contested convention?
A: There’s a chance it could introduce an element of controversy into an otherwise congenial GOP nomination process.Q: When will concerns about the candidates’ beliefs disappear completely and blind, frothing rage take over?
A: Around the fifth round of voting.
Borowitz:
Trump Proposes Building Wall Inside Uterus
GREEN BAY (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump, the Republican Presidential front-runner, touched off a firestorm of controversy on Wednesday by suggesting that, if elected, he would build a wall inside the uterus.
In proposing an addition to the uterus, a major female reproductive sex organ, Trump sought to draw a distinction between such a wall and the wall that the uterus already has, commonly referred to as the uterine wall.
“No, no, no, this would be a much better wall than that wall,” Trump said. “People are going to love this wall.”
As has been his custom on the campaign trail, Trump offered few details about his plan to build a wall inside the uterus, other than to say that he would make women pay for it.
“Anderson Cooper told Donald Trump that he acts like a five-year-old. Trump then laughed really hard and said ‘Well, Cooper rhymes with ‘pooper.'” –Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump suggested this morning that his campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, who has been accused of harshly grabbing a reporter at a rally, could have just been keeping her from falling down. Sure. And Bill Cosby was just helping those ladies get a good night’s sleep.” –Seth Meyers
“A new study has found that people often zone out on purpose when the tasks they’re doing are not challenging enough. So maybe Ben Carson was too qualified?” –Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump’s campaign manager is facing charges for grabbing a female reporter’s arm. Trump scolded his campaign manager and said, ‘On my campaign we only abuse women verbally.'” –Conan O’Brien
“John Kasich is in third with 18 percent, but he says he won’t give up. He’s vowed to keep running. He’s going to keep running until one person in America can identify him by face and then he will stop.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump became a grandfather again yesterday. However, Trump says he won’t visit his new grandson until he learns to speak English.” Jimmy Fallon
“It’s been reported that a contributor to CNN has been having an affair with Ted Cruz. All I can say is, way to go, Wolf Blitzer!” –Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump became a grandfather for the eighth time, ladies and gentlemen. When Trump actually met the baby, he was like, ‘Wow, look at the size of those hands!'” –James Corden
“Hillary also targeted Donald Trump’s recent comments on foreign policy, saying if Trump gets his way, it will be like Christmas for Russia. Then Russians were like, ‘So, we all get potato in sock?'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Bernie Sanders was here on Tuesday and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is here tonight. They’re an interesting pair because they’re still competing with each other, but eventually we know they’re going to team up to stop the deranged billionaire who wants to take over the world. Which if you think about it is basically the plot to ‘Batman vs. Superman,’ the movie. They spoiled it without giving an alert.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Last night, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said Hillary Clinton could be considered a founding member of ISIS. That’s ridiculous, ISIS doesn’t hire women. That’s like their big thing.” –Seth Meyers
