Borowitz:
Senate Officially Mourns Return of Ted Cruz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The United States Senate declared an official day of mourning on Wednesday to mark the impending return of Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) to the legislative body.Ordering all flags at the U.S. Capitol to half-staff, the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, announced the day of mourning in a somber proclamation. “We mark this day with a deep personal sense of loss that will never completely heal,” he said. …
In a rare moment of consensus for this bitterly divided chamber, both Republicans and Democrats expressed their sorrow, but the news of Cruz’s return seemed to cut the deepest among Republicans, many of whom now regret their decision not to endorse the Texas senator for President.
“If that bastard had somehow been elected President, we would have only had to see him one day a year, at the State of the Union,” Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) said. “I should have done everything in my power to make that happen. And now it’s too damn late.”
“We have to respect the will of the voters, but they didn’t think about the devastating effect this would have on us,” the usually stoic McConnell said, his voice quavering. “There’s a real human cost to this.”
Onion:
Trump Supporter Still Planning On Rioting At National Convention Anyway
YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Local Donald Trump supporter David Kearney informed reporters Thursday that, although his preferred candidate had already effectively secured the GOP nomination for president, he still planned on rioting at the Republican National Convention anyway. “I guess there’s not going to be a contested convention thing, but I definitely still want to head over to Cleveland and smash some stuff,” said Kearney, adding that regardless of how many delegates Trump amassed, he planned to show up outside Quicken Loans Arena with a baseball bat on July 18 ready to take out a considerable amount of aggression. “One way or another, I’m going to spend the day yelling at and attacking anyone who crosses my path. I already had my heart set on picking up a garbage can and chucking it through a window, and this doesn’t change a thing. I’ve been looking forward to raising hell in the streets for months.” Kearney admitted, however, that it would be nice to be able to simply relax and enjoy setting a police car on fire without having to worry about whether or not Trump would be the Republican nominee.
Trump (a new feature of the Joke Revue, from now to the general election):
“We won with poorly educated. I love the poorly educated.” –Donald Trump on his performance with poorly educated voters who helped him win the Nevada Caucus, Feb. 23, 2016
is a really good line.