Borowitz:
Trump: Mexicans swarming across border, enrolling in law school, and becoming biased judges
SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA (The Borowitz Report)—Unless the United States builds a wall, Mexicans will swarm across the border, enroll in law school en masse, and eventually become biased judges, Donald J. Trump warned supporters on Monday.At a rally in San Jose, the presumptive Republican nominee said that “making America great again” meant preventing the nation from becoming “overrun by Mexican judges.”
“We don’t win anymore,” he told the crowd. “We don’t win at judges.”
While Trump offered no specific facts to support his latest allegations, he said that he had heard about the threat of incoming Mexican judges firsthand from border-patrol agents.
“They see hundreds of these Mexicans, and they’re coming across the border with lsat-prep books,” he said. “It’s a disgrace.”
In a line that drew a rousing ovation from supporters, Trump blasted Mexican leaders for their role in the crisis, claiming, “They’re sending us their worst people: lawyers.”
Onion:
WASHINGTON—Saying they vaguely remembered the presidential candidate making the statement in front of a large rally but that they might be mistaken, citizens across the country were reportedly unable to recall Tuesday if Donald Trump had promised to personally fund abortion clinic bombings or if that just sounded right. “I thought I had a pretty clear memory of Trump saying something about funneling money to anyone who volunteered to blow up a Planned Parenthood, but maybe that just seems like a claim he might make and I’m getting mixed up—so I guess I’m not really sure if he said it or not,” said Somerset, NJ resident Anna Chung, who, like millions of her fellow citizens, believed she had maybe read a tweet from Trump laying out his willingness to finance a string of anti-abortion firebombing attacks, before conceding that her recollection might have been confused with another of the presumptive GOP nominee’s public comments. …
