Onion:
TAMPA, FL—Saying they had been so swept up in the excitement of the moment that they hadn’t been paying attention to what they were shouting, the crowd at a Donald Trump rally in Tampa reportedly came to the realization Wednesday that they had been chanting the phrase “We are frightened and helpless” for the past half hour. “Looking back on it now, I guess we all started chanting ‘We’re so, so scared’ as soon as we got into the auditorium, and then when Trump came out onstage, it really picked up and we added the part about feeling completely impotent in the face of change,” said Trump supporter Colby Swanson, 45, who explained that, after thinking back, some attendees had started chanting “Rage is my only outlet” on and off while they were waiting in line to enter the event. “Boy, we were chanting it really loud for a while, especially after Trump said our country doesn’t win anymore and that we shouldn’t let Muslim refugees into the U.S. Come to think of it, towards the end there, I remember just yelling ‘The world has passed me by’ over and over again.” After recognizing their embarrassing blunder, the Trump supporters were said to have collected themselves and returned to their traditional chant of “Build the wall.”
WASHINGTON—Addressing reporters after meeting with President Obama at the White House this morning, Bernie Sanders called upon his followers to post long-winded, extremely aggressive rants on social media, according to local supporter Ryan Bailey’s interpretation of the speech. “I’d like you to go on Facebook or Twitter and harass as many people as possible with spiteful, protracted tirades,” said the Vermont senator in Bailey’s inference of the speech, which demanded that he and any other voters still committed to political revolution reply to anyone who challenged their opinion with a barrage of sharply worded displays of sanctimony and condescension, as well as any number of personal insults. “If somebody tries to get you to calm down or walk back your rhetoric, don’t hesitate to double down by questioning their intelligence and maligning their integrity before blocking them entirely. Also, if you see anybody sharing a conflicting point of view anywhere online, it is imperative that you attack them at once with a series of furious and preferably misogynistic responses.” According solely to Bailey’s own perception of the speech, Sanders then concluded his remarks by asking supporters to send a threatening email to Democratic Party officials or members of the media.
“The latest polls show Hillary Clinton now leads Donald Trump by 12 points nationally. I guess she’s getting some traction from her new slogan, ‘Come with me, if you want to live.'” –Seth Meyers
“Former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain said in a speech today that he feels Donald Trump is not a racist. Said Trump, ‘Thank you, Ben Carson.'” –Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump celebrated his 70th birthday today. And I guess instead of blowing out his candles, he just insulted them until they put themselves out. ‘You’re too hot! You smell like wax! You’re the worst part of this cake!'” –Jimmy Fallon
“In a speech, Donald Trump said thousands of people in the United States are ‘sick with hate.’ Then Trump said, “I’d like to thank them for their support.'” –Conan O’Brien
“Bernie Sanders is set to meet with Hillary Clinton this evening. Bernie said the meeting will give Hillary one last opportunity to bow out gracefully.” –Conan O’Brien
“So much has happened during President Obama’s administration. Obamacare was passed. Same-sex marriage was legalized. He worked with 11 other countries to sign the historic Trans-Pacific Partnership. Whereas Donald Trump just walked around Epcot and insulted every country.” –Jimmy Fallon
“After his meeting at the White House, Bernie Sanders said he’s going to do everything he can to ‘make sure that Donald Trump does not become president of the United States.’ Bernie said, ‘I’m even willing to make Hillary my vice president.'” –Conan O’Brien
Idiotic Trump quotation of the week: “Ask the gays.”
“The LGBT community, the gay community, the lesbian community — they are so much in favor of what I’ve been saying over the last three or four days. Ask the gays what they think and what they do, in, not only Saudi Arabia, but many of these countries, and then you tell me — who’s your friend, Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton?” –Donald Trump in a boast that provoked widespread ridicule from the LGBT community, June 15, 2016
