Joke Revue: F.B.I. regretfully announces that Hillary committed no crimes

Borowitz:

F.B.I. REGRETFULLY ANNOUNCES THAT HILLARY COMMITTED NO CRIMES

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—James Comey, the F.B.I. director, held a press conference on Sunday to “regretfully announce” that Hillary Clinton had committed no crimes related to her e-mails while Secretary of State.

“It is with a deep sense of sadness in my heart that I report that Hillary Clinton committed no crimes,” a visibly emotional Comey said.

Calling the discovery that Clinton could not be prosecuted for wrongdoing “probably the darkest hour of my career at the F.B.I.,” Comey said that he would try to move on from what he called “a shattering disappointment for me personally.” …

PUTIN APPEARS WITH TRUMP IN FLURRY OF SWING-STATE RALLIES

TAMPA (The Borowitz Report)—Infused with a sense of urgency as Election Day nears, the Trump campaign has enlisted President Vladimir Putin, of Russia, to appear with the Republican nominee in a dizzying array of swing-state rallies over the weekend.

Putin will be the most visible Trump surrogate in the final weekend of the campaign, as he tries to fire up voters in Florida, North Carolina, Colorado, and Nevada.

The Russian President seemed to relish the warm response he got at his first Trump rally, in Tampa, where he led the crowd in a raucous chant of “Lock her up.”

Trump praised Putin’s talent for politics by noting that he had won the Russian election in 2012 by a landslide. “He got sixty-four per cent of the vote, and no one else even came close,” Trump said. “He’s terrific.”

Putin, whose English is rudimentary at best, kept his remarks brief at the Tampa rally, but echoed Melania Trump’s recent call for an end to bullying. …

While some in the media criticized the Trump campaign for allowing Putin to influence the outcome of a U.S. election, the Republican nominee’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, pushed back in an appearance on CNN.

“This is just another case of media bias against Donald Trump,” she said. “Jay Z and Beyoncé, who have no experience in government at all, are allowed to campaign for Hillary Clinton, but Vladimir Putin, who actually runs an entire country, can’t appear with Donald Trump? Come on.”

TRUMP SURGES AHEAD OF CLINTON IN POLL CONDUCTED BY HIS BRAIN

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump has surged ahead of Hillary Clinton in a new poll conducted by Trump’s brain.

The poll, taken after Trump’s brain perceived that he demolished Clinton in the third and final Presidential debate, shows him ahead of Clinton, sixty-four per cent to thirty-one per cent.

In a sign that his criticism of Clinton has been just fantastic, a majority of imaginary voters in Trump’s head agree that she is a “nasty woman,” with more than seventy per cent calling her “crooked,” “sad,” and a “disgrace.”

In more incredibly amazing good news for the G.O.P. nominee, Trump’s brain reports that his standing with women has markedly improved, with ninety per cent calling him “extremely handsome” and “sexy.”

According to Trump’s brain, the poll has no margin of error, absolutely none, it’s a tremendous poll, you just can’t believe how great this poll is.

A splendid two week old chestnut from The Onion:

FEC Extends Election By 7 Months To Give Nation Chance To Better Get To Know Candidates

WASHINGTON—In an effort to help voters make an informed decision at the polls, the Federal Election Commission announced Thursday it would be extending the U.S. presidential election by seven months to give Americans the opportunity to better get to know the presidential candidates. “We believe the continuation of this election by just over half a year will provide Americans with the chance to fully acquaint themselves with both the character and policy positions of Secretary Clinton and Mr. Trump,” said FEC chairman Matthew S. Petersen, who expressed confidence that the American people would benefit greatly from over 200 extra days of election coverage, rallies, press conferences, and campaign ads. “Our commission has also worked with the CPD to schedule eight more presidential debates and three more town halls, so that there will be no question that every citizen is ready to cast their ballot by the time Election Day comes around on June 8, 2017.” The FEC added that it had not ruled out extending the election by an additional year if any U.S. voters were still undecided.

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