I hold these truths to be self-evident: It is just that Hillary Clinton is the presumptive Democratic nominee. She has 12.7 million votes to Bernie Sanders's 9.6 million, 1,741 pledged delegates to his 1,458, and 524 Superdelegates to … [Read more...]

Borowitz: Trump Promises Paul Ryan That He’ll Sound Slightly Less Like Hitler WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what is being hailed as a productive closed-door meeting between two leaders of the Republican Party, Donald J. Trump … [Read more...]

And like his loser role model, The Ignoramus may himself be just a few years away from pushing diet pills. NYT: Mr. Trump first teased Ms. Warren about her ancestry claims in an interview last summer with the New York Times columnist … [Read more...]

Borowitz: Senate Officially Mourns Return of Ted Cruz WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The United States Senate declared an official day of mourning on Wednesday to mark the impending return of Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) to the … [Read more...]

NYT: Senator Kelly Ayotte of New Hampshire, who is in a tough re-election race, signaled that she would “support” Mr. Trump but not “endorse” him, as a spokeswoman put it, a rhetorical contortion that other Republicans repeated … [Read more...]

Borowitz owns Cruz' feeble imitation of McCain's choice of Palin, once again proving Karl Marx' dictum that history repeats itself, first as tragedy and then as farce. Hat tip to esteemed BMGer jasiu: Cruz Hopes to Tap Into Immense … [Read more...]

The Southern Poverty Law Center has released Whose Heritage? Public Symbols of the Confederacy that "catalogs 1,503 examples of monuments and statues; flags; city, county and school names; lakes, dams and other public works; state holidays; … [Read more...]

Now that was a debate! Of course, I think Secretary Clinton demonstrated that Senator Sanders is a decent fellow with good ideas who will be less effective than his supporters hope as president. It's time for an experienced woman for … [Read more...]

Borowitz: No One in Nation Notices Total Disappearance of Chris Christie TRENTON (The Borowitz Report)—No one in the United States has taken note of the total disappearance of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who vanished from view … [Read more...]