S & P Downgrades Iowa’s IQ: Straw Poll ‘Alarms’ Ratings Agency
AMES, IOWA (The Borowitz Report) – Calling the results of today’s Iowa straw poll “alarming,” Standard and Poor’s took the unprecedented action of downgrading Iowa’s IQ. While the effects of such an extraordinary measure are hard to predict, experts say the IQ downgrade could result in Iowans having difficulty completing sentences or operating a television remote. “This downgrade would be very upsetting to Republicans in Iowa,” said an S & P spokesman. “Fortunately, there’s no way they’ll understand it.”
New GOP Strategy Involves Reelecting Obama, Making His Life Even More Miserable: GOP leaders say “messing with the president’s head” must be their one and only priority in 2012 and beyond.
WASHINGTON—Calling a GOP victory in the 2012 presidential election antithetical to the party platform, top Republicans revealed a new long-term political strategy Tuesday: reelecting Barack Obama and making his life even more of a living hell than it already is. “For three years, the Republican Party has coalesced around the single goal of making President Obama’s every waking moment sheer and utter torture,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters. “But we can’t continue to do that if he’s not in office.”
“Newsweek is taking heat for calling Michele Bachmann ‘The Queen of Rage.’ Michele says, ‘There’s only one raging queen in our household, and it’s not me.'” –Conan O’Brien
“‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes’ made $54 million this weekend. It’s about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties.” –Jay Leno
“Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he’s sewn up the crucial ‘guy you didn’t know existed’ vote.” –Conan O’Brien
“Sarah Palin’s daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award.” –Jay Leno
“Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol pregnant, has a sister Mercede, who just posed for ‘Playboy’ and said some very unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President she’d have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a little so he could get both nipples.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Newsweek used a photo to make Michele Bachmann appear crazy. That’s what her words are for.” –Jon Stewart
“I look at that picture and say, isn’t that a little soon to be doing a female re-make of the 40-Year-Old Virgin?” –Jon Stewart
“Been a tough year for the NY Yankees, lost all 4 series vs the Red Sox. So today S&P downgraded the Yankees to the Mets.” –Jimmy Fallon
“It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can’t be president, but he can get a job on President Obama’s economic team.” –Jay Leno
“China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn’t tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie.” –Conan O’Brien
