Wrong People Arrested on Wall Street: Goldman Boss: ‘Thought They Were Finally Coming for Us’
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – Millions of Americans cheered the news on Friday that arrests had finally been made on Wall Street, but were soon disappointed to learn that the wrong people had been taken into custody.
“I was like, finally they’re going to get those bastards,” said Tracy Klugian, 27, of Queens, New York, whose hopes were raised by an “Arrests on Wall Street” graphic he saw on CNN. “I guess it was too good to be true.”
NYPD spokesman Frank Hannefy explained the controversial decision to arrest Occupy Wall Street protesters while leaving the people who had brought the nation’s economy to the brink of Armageddon unmolested.
“As far as soulless individuals pillaging the country for their personal gain, that’s none of our business,” he said. “But we’ll be damned if we’re going to let people march on newly seeded grass.”
At banking giant Goldman Sachs, chairman Lloyd Blankfein admitted that when he heard police sirens outside his building, “I was sure they were finally coming for us.”
The Goldman chief said he started running up and down the halls “screaming at people to feed the document shredder like Chris Christie at a pie-eating contest.”
Mr. Blankfein said that he felt “palpable relief” when he realized that the police had come to arrest the protesters and were leaving the bankers at large.
“That was a close one,” he said, chuckling. “We’re all going to have a good laugh about this over the weekend in the Caymans.”
Elsewhere, Texas Governor Rick Perry announced what he called his “1-1-1” plan: “Every American gets 1 percent tax, 1 mandatory vaccination, and 1 execution.”
Potential Race Between Black Guy and Mormon Poses Dilemma for Bigots: Doomsday Scenario, Haters Say
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) – A looming presidential race between a black guy and a Mormon is creating a major quandary for America’s bigots, a new poll reveals.
According to the poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, a broad majority of likely bigot voters “strongly agreed” with the statement, “If it winds up being between a black guy and a Mormon I don’t know what I’ll do because I don’t know which I hate more.”
Tea Party activist Eldin Brazelton of Oak Park, Illinois, expressed a frustration typical of the bigots surveyed: “We’ve spent the last three years stirring up anger towards a black guy, and that’s all going to go to waste if we just up and nominate a Mormon.”
According to Mr. Brazleton, a presidential choice between President Barack Obama and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney would be no choice at all: “For the life of me I don’t know why we can’t just have a regular President.”
Occupy Wall Street Protester’s Head Used To Ring Opening Bell at New York Stock Exchange
“Police were using pepper spray on the Wall Street protesters. That’s scary. What if they’re spraying them with condiments so the rich people can enjoy eating them?” –Craig Ferguson
“Rick Perry said America’s revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, ‘I never said I was a geology major.'” –Conan O’Brien
“Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is ‘shrinking the American pie.’ And believe me, if there’s one thing Christie hates, it’s a small pie.” –Jay Leno
“At one point, Rick Santorum was interrupted by a gay heckler. But then Michele Bachmann told her husband, ‘Just shut up and sit down.'” –Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady’s glasses.” –Conan O’Brien
“For tonight’s debate each Republican candidate was paired with a professional dancer.” –David Letterman
“Two Americans won the Nobel Prize for economics. That’s like the Chinese winning for child day care.” –Jay Leno
“A team of American scientists just traveled to Russia to search for the Abominable Snowman. That’s right, a mythical creature who probably doesn’t exist. Or as Republicans call that, ‘a presidential candidate.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Homophobic Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum is at it again – on Fox News he attacked gay men and said that letting them shower with straight people in the military would cause problems. If that’s true, that means the straight men were not that straight to begin with. Probably not that straight.” –Jay Leno
“Because of Columbus Day all the banks were closed. And some of them are expected to open tomorrow. Even though B of A was closed, they still charged you the $5 debit fee. Who thinks they should change their name to B of A-hole?” –Jay Leno
JHM says
¿Has everybooby over here heard the one about the ever-blessèd and all-blessing St. Elizabeth of H*rv*rdy and the new New Republicanine?
&c. &c. There is a good deal more where that was swiped from, and
[*] yes, VA, some of it does indeed concern a certain former Chairman of the Board of Directors of the Federal Reserve Board of Kansas City.
¡Enjoy, enjoy!
Happy days.
Bob Neer says
Well worth inclusion in the joke revue. Ah, The New Republic. How many people read it? As many as BMG? I wonder.
David says
are truly spectacular. One of my faves:
Bob Neer says
And published 20 times per year. If we are generous, and count every one of those 50,000 as a unique reader, that’s 1,000,000 unique readers per year. About the same readership as BMG, actually.