Weekly Joke Revue: Historians recommend “Look Back Before You Act”

Onion (appropriately, from the September archives):

Historians Politely Remind Nation To Check What’s Happened In Past Before Making Any Big Decisions

WASHINGTON—With the United States facing a daunting array of problems at home and abroad, leading historians courteously reminded the nation Thursday that when making tough choices, it never hurts to stop a moment, take a look at similar situations from the past, and then think about whether the decisions people made back then were good or bad.

According to the historians, by looking at things that have already happened, Americans can learn a lot about which actions made things better versus which actions made things worse, and can then plan their own actions accordingly.

“In the coming weeks and months, people will have to make some really important decisions about some really important issues,” Columbia University historian Douglas R. Collins said during a press conference, speaking very slowly and clearly so the nation could follow his words. “And one thing we can do, before making a choice that has permanent consequences for our entire civilization, is check real quick first to see if human beings have ever done anything like it previously, and see if turned out to be a good idea or not.” …

“You know how the economy is not doing so well right now?” Professor Elizabeth Schuller of the University of North Carolina said. “Well, in the 1930s, financial markets—no, wait, I’m sorry. Here: A long, long time ago, way far in the past, certain things happened that were a lot like things now, and they made people hungry and sad.”

“How do you feel when you’re hungry? Doesn’t feel good, does it?” Schuller added. “So, maybe we should avoid doing those things that caused people to feel that way, don’t you think?” …

“The things the historians were saying seemed complicated at first, but now it makes sense to me,” said Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX), who reversed his opposition to oil-drilling safety regulations after checking past events and finding a number of “very, very sad things [he] didn’t like.” “I just wished they’d told us about this trick before.”

Daniel Kurtzman:

“Cain’s only real foreign policy experience is from when he ran the National Restaurant Association and had to deal with the manager from the International House of Pancakes.” –Jay Leno

“They had a midnight raid and they cleaned out Zucotti Park where the Occupy Wall Streeters were camped out for about two months. So if you’re keeping score, here’s what the score is now: Eighty down in Zucotti Park; Wall Street executives arrested: Zero.” –David Letterman

“Herman Cain flubbed a question on Libya yesterday and then tried to cover by saying, ‘Oh, I thought you meant Libya Newton-John.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Some have criticized pepper spraying a pregnant woman, but don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two.” –Stephen Colbert

“It makes sense that Gingrich is rising. He is the only candidate who appears to be made of dough.” –Stephen Colbert

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Herman Cain’s Mind During The ‘Libya’ Moment”

10. “Libya? I remember Lydia, but I don’t remember a Libya”
9. “I told them politics was off limits”
8. “Maybe if I hold perfectly still, everybody will think their DVRs are on pause”
7. “Why the heck am I in Milwaukee?”
6. “Uh, 9-9-9?”
5. “What would Rick Dees do?”
4. “I’m gonna be on YouTube!”
3. “I should have called Bob Costas”
2. “These things are a lot funnier when it happens to Rick Perry”
1. “Well, it’s been fun, see you in 2016!”

“People are still talking about Rick Perry’s memory lapse. And it happened a couple of months ago too, when he had trouble remembering the name of his hunting camp.” –David Letterman

“Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman accused his Republican opponents of coming up with easy sound bites just to get applause. In response, Mitt Romney was like, ‘That is ridiculous. Clap if you like bacon!’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Perry also said the other night he wants to get rid of the Department of Education. Well, that’s the problem with kids in America today. They’re just too educated.” –Jay Leno

“Herman Cain said he would beat Obama by ‘beating him with a Cain.’ Obama said, ‘I’m just glad I’m not running against Anthony Weiner.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Big news from last night’s Republican debate, you guys. It turns out George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won’t even remember them.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Michele Bachmann says she won’t rest until Obamacare is repealed. Or until she kidnaps all 101 Dalmatians.” –Jimmy Kimmel



Discuss

2 Comments . Leave a comment below.
  1. Kimmel Hits a homer

    “Michele Bachmann says she won’t rest until Obamacare is repealed. Or until she kidnaps all 101 Dalmatians.” –Jimmy Kimmel

    Fantastic

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Tue 2 Sep 2:48 AM