Weekly Joke Revue: Cain exits, pro-adultery vote swings to Gingrich

 Borowitz:

A Farewell from Herman Cain: My Final Thoughts

Dear Friend,

[L]et me share with you my final thoughts on my campaign. After months of crisscrossing this great land of ours and participating in over three hundred televised debates, I am being disqualified because of an extramarital affair. And that raises the following question: are you fucking kidding me?

I mean, let’s get real. I never heard of Libya. I didn’t know whether that CNN dude’s name was Wolf or Blitz. And my only training for running the #1 nation in the world was running its #8 pizza chain. Yet none of that, I repeat, none of that disqualified me. In fact, I was the front-fucking-runner, as long as I kept my 9-9-9 in my pants. (I have no idea what I meant by that — I just like saying 9-9-9.)

But here’s the part that really kills me. You’re kicking me to the curb because I was messing around, and instead you’re going with… Newt Gingrich? I repeat: are you fucking kidding me? Oh, I know what you’re saying: you love Newt because he’s an “intellectual.” Well, Newt Gingrich is the intellectual of the Republican field the way Moe was the intellectual of the Stooges.

And that leads me to my final point: you disgust me, America. Right now if I had my way, I’d up and move to another country. I really, truly would. Only I don’t know where any of them are, and my wife won’t let me leave the house.

Goodbye forever,

Herman

As Cain Drops Out, Pro-adultery Voters Shift to Gingrich: Biggest GOP Voting Bloc, Experts Say

CONCORD, NH (The Borowitz Report) – Herman Cain withdrew from the Republican presidential race today, a move that resulted in millions of pro-adultery voters shifting their support to former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

The shift in support is significant because pro-adultery voters represent the single largest voting bloc in the Republican Party, experts say. …

“Even when we were supporting Cain, a lot of us were supporting Gingrich behind his back,” the adulterer said. “I guess that’s how we do.”

 

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2 Comments . Leave a comment below.
  1. Had Cain faced Able in the general election

    voters would have found out anyway that
    http://www.giannispizzaframingham.com/
    tastes way better, except that their restaurant offers no customer bathrooms (We the people have to walk across Edgell Road to the Gulf gas station for that.).
    Anyway, if you cook your own pizza in-house, you can buy a cutting board on which to slice it at
    http://store.barackobama.com/accessories/cutting-board.html
    For a real big pizza, buy four cutting boards and tessellate them.

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