Falling in Polls, Romney Considers Adultery: Huddles with Advisors About Possible Affair
CONCORD, NH (The Borowitz Report)– Troubled by his fading poll numbers, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is considering a bold strategy to reboot his Presidential campaign: engaging in a high-profile extramarital affair.
At a press conference in Concord, New Hampshire today Mr. Romney confirmed that he was consulting with senior advisors about the best way to proceed with an inappropriate relationship.
“Republican voters have sent the message that they want to vote for an adulterer and I have heard them loud and clear,” he said. “I promise that I will engage in a world-class extramarital affair that will make all of us proud again.” …
Still, an aide to Mr. Romney maintains that the former Massachusetts governor has “the right stuff” to be a world-class adulterer: “In the focus groups, the two words we kept hearing over and over again were ‘wooden’ and ‘stiff.’”