A Letter from Mitt Romney About My Finances
SOUTH CAROLINA (The Borowitz Report) – Republican presidential frontrunner Mitt Romney has released the following letter to the American people:
Dear American People:
Over the past several days, my personal finances have been distorted into a grotesque caricature by the mainstream media, pundits, and other people who can count. I am writing to you to set the record straight by explaining my finances in terms the American people can relate to.
Let’s say you bought a bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1982 for $5,000. A couple of years later, what do you know, you sell that same bottle for $10,000. So you just made a profit of $5,000 through your own hard work. How much of that should you pay to the government? I’d say fifteen percent.
Now let’s say you have a fellow mowing the lawn at your 7,000 square foot home in La Jolla, and he turns out to be an illegal. You say, “No way, Jose” (Jose is actually his real name) and send him packing. He doesn’t deserve his full paycheck, since he lied to you in Spanish, but it wouldn’t be fair to give him nothing, either. So you pay him fifteen percent. …
I think I’ve now shown, using these real-life examples that everyone can relate to, that no one should ever pay more than fifteen percent on their taxes.
Romney Under Pressure to Prove He Was Manufactured in US: Rivals Demand He Produce Label
MYRTLE BEACH, SC (The Borowitz Report) – Controversy swirled at the Republican debate in South Carolina last night as Mitt Romney’s rivals pressured the GOP frontrunner to prove that he was manufactured in the United States.
The other candidates for the Republican nomination repeatedly pounded the former Massachusetts governor on the issue throughout the night, demanding that he produce a label proving that he was made in the U.S.A.
The attacks came amid rumors that Mr. Romney was assembled in a plant overseas, possibly in France, where a microchip was installed enabling him to speak French. …
”The mere possibility that I might run for president blew Jon Huntsman all the way back to the ‘Land’s End’ catalog he came from.” –Stephen Colbert
“Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That’s not a tax, that’s barely a tip.” –Jay Leno
“(It’s) basically a money placenta. I give him nothing and Jon nourishes me in a warm embryonic bath of strategy and cash until I slide out all wet and electable.” –Stephen Colbert on his relationship with Jon Stewart, who now runs his PAC
Rick Perry from Monday’s debate: “South Carolina is at war with this federal government and with this administration.” Jon Stewart: “War against the government led by South Carolina! That always has good ending, right?”
“Rick Santorum told an audience in South Carolina Mitt Romney was just a ‘paler shade of what we have in the White House now.’ And the guy in the back of the room stood up and said, ‘I thought that was the whole point.” –Bill Maher
“Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita.” –Jay Leno
“The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags.” –Stephen Colbert
“Jon Huntsman has officially dropped out of the 2012 presidential race. Wow, not having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail is going to be like … Well, it’s going be like HAVING Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail. It’s going to have no effect really.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Is Mitt Romney a serial killer? I don’t know, but that question’s out there now.” –Stephen Colbert, on his Super PAC attack ad accusing Romney of being a serial killer