Could it possibly be funny twice?!? Alternative Debate Transcript, II

TRASNLATED TRANSCRIPT

David Gergen:  Hi, I’m David Gergen!  You may know me from that West Wing special back in 2002!  I’m having real trouble talking tonight, so let’s get right to it.  Frank Phillips from the Globe has the first question.

Frank Phillips:  Deval, you’re getting your ass handed to you by these negative ads.  And the newest Healey ad shows a woman walking in a parking garage. Clearly the audience is supposed to be afraid that she’ll be raped.  By a black man.  Isn’t that racist?

Deval Patrick (DP):  I’m going to dodge that question by saying I haven’t seen the ad.  But if I had seen it, I’d say Kerry Healey was a hack.  Let’s face it, I defended one bad guy.  Healey let 700 cops go, thereby letting thousand of criminals roam free.  And you know what?  I’m pissed off about it.  Game on, bisnatch.

Grace Ross (GR):  I don’t like attack ads, mostly because I can’t afford any.

Christy Mihos (CM):  I’m disgusted!  My ads were in poor taste, but at least they were funny.  You’re going down, Healey.

Kerry Healey (KH):  Ok, first of all, I’m not a racist.  Not overtly, anyway.  I’m more of a “Steve Lyons” racist, if you will.  But I do think defense attorneys make Massachusetts less safe, mostly because they’re evil.

DP:  You’re all talk lady.  And I’m taking you down a peg.

Gergen:  Ok, don’t make me come over there and separate you guys.

Allison King:  Grace Ross, when you’re governor, how will poor people like you afford health care?

GR:  In the People’s Republic of Grace, we’ll have single payer, so poor people won’t pay for a thing.  And I don’t like negative ads, but, boy, do I hate rich people!

Allison King: But medical care under single payer is terrible!

GR: Only for rich people, and they don’t deserve good health care!  They’re rich!

KH:  I’d just like to point out that I’m a centrist.  Independents should vote for me.  I want credit for the new health plan, even though I really think the business mandate is unfair.

DP:  Yeah, next time try not to veto that, Captain Centrism.  Don’t think I wasn’t watching when you did that.

CM:  Quit meeting behind closed doors!  Republicans lie to you, and so do Democrats!  I may be insane, but at least I’m honest about my insanity!

Gergen:  Ok, please stop. You’re scaring me.

Emily Rooney:  Screw the issues, I wanna see blood!  Just because I’m on PBS, doesn’t mean I’m at all intellectual!  Let’s talk about negative ads!  Kerry, are you saying that defense attorneys are evil, or that Deval Patrick will rape people as governor?  Which is it?

KH:  Hey, I’m just going to let you keep talking.  And thanks for bringing this up, by the way.  You know, 30 second spots cost millions. But turning this into a half hour of talking about this doesn’t cost me a thing.  So, yeah, defense attorneys are evil.

Emily Rooney:  But your ad is disgusting!

KH:  Deval is disgusting!

DP:  Okay, yes, I was a defense attorney.  I’m not going to apologize for that.  Ever.  I was also a prosecutor, you stuck-up prude.  Kerry, when you get a resume like mine, then we’ll talk.  Like Christy’s says, you’ve got a great ass, and you’ve got your head WAY up it!  I’ve got street cred, and the whole room knows it, so once you get your head out of your ass, I’ll be happy to show you around the street!

[crowd]:  ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh

CM:  And I thought my ad was bad.

DP:  Thank God you’re here.  I mean that.  Your check’s in the mail.

CM:  Hey, I’m just happy to be here in Faneuil Hall.  Did I mention that?

GR:  Hey, no one’s paying attention to the issues!  Or to me!

Frank Phillips:  Christy, aren’t you really just wasting everyone’s time?

CM:  Hellll no.  I was born here!  And I’m still here!  Jesse the Body did it, why can’t I?  Okay, I have a quarter of the charisma and can’t wrestle, but whatever!

Phillips:  Would you support either Patrick or Healey?

KH:  He’d vote for me!

CM:  Not on the best day you ever had.

KH:  Ummmm…okay, that was uncomfortable.  And now I can’t remember the question so I’ll answer my own!  Why am I awesome?  Oh, great question!  Well, just look at my hair….!

DP:  That wasn’t the question, you fraud.  But thanks for changing it for me so I can pimp myself 20 times better than you ever could.  When you learn how to debate, maybe we’ll do this one on one.

GR: Man, I’m poor.  Kerry Healey once turned me down as a chamber maid.  It’s true.

Dave Gergen:  Okay, the viewers at home want to see blood.  So, let’s mix it up a bit.  Deval, I’m going to ask you a totally choreographed question on charter schools, ready?

DP:  Born ready.  Yes, I like charter schools, but our state’s funding doesn’t work.  I think we can make …

GR:  FLIP-FLOPPER!!

DP:  Where the hell did that come from?

GR:  Hey man, I’m at one percent.  Nothing to lose, baby. Nothing to lose.

KH:  Come on.  Everyone knows that private schools kick ass over public schools.  Deval and I went to private schools and we’re filthy rich. Grace went to public schools and she’s…well…you get my point.  My point is Deval’s a union lacky, and he knows the waiting list for charter schools is a million miles long.

DP:  Yeah, because your leadership is terrible!  Your public schools suck!

KH:  Exactly, so let’s get rid of all public schools!

[crowd]:  gasp

DP:  Holy god.  I can’t believe you just said that.  I’m so stunned I don’t even know how to adequately respond, so I’m just going to babble…

GR:  You’ve lost it lady.

DP:  Seriously.

CM:  Okay, let me make the point Deval is too stunned to make:  SCHOOLS ARE TERRIBLE BECAUSE SO ARE YOU!!  There.

David Gergen:  There are 300 million people in the United States, yet none of them want to live here.  Why is that?

GR:  Mostly because they’re all poor like me.

CM:  It’s not just poor people that are poor in Massachusetts.  Rich people like me are poor too!  But at least we still have the tourists, who apparently will never leave. Can we do something about that?

DP:  People keep saying I have no specific ideas, but I’m going to talk about smart growth now, which was a nice idea the Romney Administration came up with until they screwed it up and…

KH: I’ll lower your taxes!!!  I signed a pledge!!  I swear!!  I have a Tax-O-Meter-O-Tron!!

DP:  Lady, all the gimmicks in the world won’t lower taxes when you’re governor.

Allison King:  Kerry Healey, Mitt Romney won’t stop making fun of Massachusetts.  I dare you to tell him to stop it.

KH:  Ummmm…I love Massachusetts!  Really!  Please don’t confuse me with Mitt!  Wait, Mitt who?

Allison King:  Okaaaaay….but will you tell him to knock it off?

KH:  Ummmm…you just did.  There.  Problem solved, right?  Hey, what’s that over there…!!!!!

CM:  Healey, you’re pathetic.

GR:  Seriously.

DP:  Oh man, that couldn’t have possibly worked out any better.  Now I’m just going to roll into that part of my stump speech about the “butt of his jokes” thing.  See how effortless that was? 
It’s called being up 20 in the polls, folks.  Eat my dust.

Emily Rooney:  Not so fast, Deval!  Isn’t your tax plan for Massachusetts completely unworkable?

DP:  No.  Again, people say they want specifics, so here’s a specific.  I’m conditioning increased local aid on prop –

Emily Rooney: ADMIT THAT IT WON’T WORK!!

DP:  No!  Jesus….

CM:  Obviously, a comedic interlude is needed here.  Thank god I showed up.

GR:  They don’t need comedy, they need a lesson in Marxist theory….

KH:  Siddown, Grace.  There’s a $20 in it for you if you take the next debate “off.”  Deval, I read it in the Globe yesterday that your plan won’t work, so it MUST be true!

DP:  You’re so full of it, property-tax raiser.

Frank Phillips:  Grace Ross, why won’t you admit that communism is a failed form of government?  Why does everyone know this but you?

GR:  Viva Castro!

Phillips:  But you’ll kill the economy!

GR:  I won’t, and noted economists like Noam Chomsky and Howard Zinn agree with me!

CM:  Grace, sweety, if you tried to pay employees twice the minimum wage, Walmart would crush you.

GR:  No, because in the People’s Republic of Grace, Walmart would voluntarily pay more too!

CM:  Okay, you’re nuts. I’ve created jobs and I can tell you…

DP:  Hey, I’ve created jobs too at Coke and Texaco!

CM:  Ummmm…really?  YOU did?

DP: Hmmm….I really stepped in it there, didn’t I?  Moving on, I have specific ideas about…

KH:  Tax and spending!  You have specific ideas of spending money, you…you….LIBERAL!!!

DP:  Healey, you Republican hack.  Do they sell your campaign in some kind of Republican kit that you send away for in the back of the National Review?

KH: SPEND IT ALL DEVAL!!

DP:  You’ve lost it.  I guess that’s what being down 20 points with three weeks to go will do to you.

Allison King:  Christy, you’ve criticized Healey for proposing closing Masspike tolls west of 128, when you yourself had that same idea three years ago.  Sup with dat?

CM:  Well…er…yeah…see, my idea involved a bond, and phased out tolls, but this is clearly a campaign ploy!

Allison King:  But how would you have paid for your plan to close tolls?

CM:  With a…ummmm…dammitt….with the gas tax. You got me.  I can’t believe I said that.

GR:  Taxes are great!  You know why I can say that?  Because the hopeless inevitability of my situation is freeing in a way.

CM:  Will you please go home?

KH:  I’d just like to say that I’m not playing politics with the tolls… Okay, really I am.  I say take down ALL the tolls!  Roll back all the taxes!!  What else can I promise?  You name it, I’ll promise it!

DP:  Well, there’s no way I’m coming out against the toll idea.  Nice try.  But I’ll take this opportunity to point out the fact that you’re an opportunist.

David Gergen:  Okay, in .03 seconds or less, tell me your top three priorities!!  Readdyyyyyyyyyyy….GO!

GR:  Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod…How will I ever fit the People’s History of the United States into .03 seconds?…ummmmmm…

Gergen:  Too late!  Mihos, GO!

CM:  Eh, just go to my website.

Gergen:  Patrick, GO!

DP:  You neophytes.  It’s called debate prep.  Use it.  I’m so ready for this. Business, education, healthcare.  Booo-yaaa!!

KH:  Well, it’s so hard to choose just three, since I have 50 points of light, you know.  And, I’m a criminologist, which means …ummmm…I’m not sure.  Taxes, destroying public education, and negative ads about crime are my top priorities.

David Gergen:  Well, the four of you were the most uncontrollable group of candidates ever. All this to be governor?  Let me back into the Clinton White House.  Please!  Time for your closing remarks.

CM: Hi, call me Christy!  At this point, I’m just happy to be here.  And to be in this hall!  I’ve lived here all my life and never taken the tour.  So, I guess if nothing else this saves me $4.50.  You know, a lot of people don’t believe in me, but look at the Red Sox!  They got creamed this year!  Just like me!

GR:  I’d just like to point out that even though I’m a communist, I’ll need a job next month.  So, if someone could hook me up, that’d be great.

KH:  I’m a centrist.  I’m a lot like Deval, except that Deval is Satan, and I’m here to be your savior against the illegal immigrants and rapists that are hiding…right…behind…your couch!!  SERIOUSLY!  Don’t turn around!  Not until I’m elected!  It’s just not safe!  Oh, and by the way, can we pleeeeeease ditch Christy and Grace next time?  Four’s a crowd, you know?

DP:  No way, sweet cheeks, Mihos isn’t going anywhere. Hey, thanks everyone.  Here I am three weeks away from the election, and I’m STILL up by 20 in the polls.  And you know why?  Because I respect people.  I respect Grace Ross, and I especially respect Christy Mihos.  And I would respect it greatly, Kerry, if when I whoop your ass in three weeks, you would kiss mine.  Peace!