Lynchie and the Anti-Koch – D & C’s Time Warp – Whitey’s Brainfreeze aka The Evil That Is Kevin Cullen – KG’s Gotta Go – Yah Next Guvanah

So Fast Eddie thinks he can sail to victory on the yacht of tree-hugging California billionaire Tom Steyer? Not so fast. I asked the ghost of Sister Mary Francis to make some calls and, thanks to a generous envelope in O’Malley’s wicker basket this weekend, I’ve been gifted with perfect knowledge of all the issues that matter to people in Malden. And any issue Eddie the Tool decides to raise is pretty much not on the list, says I.

No argument from my neighbor Stan, who used to mop the floors at Malden Catholic. He wasn’t there in Eddie’s time but the Ghost of the floor mopper before him, Skinny Joe, God keep him, appeared to him last night and said he’d always mahked Mahkey (and Mahky Mahk too) as irreparably lame.

Anyway, Sully at the Chelsea District Court (the bald one, not the young one) says Lynchie has a winner on this one. Everyone at Suffolk Downs thinks wrecking Nebraska’s water supply so a Canadian company can send filthy tar sands oil down to Texas to be loaded on tankers bound for China is the way to go. No surprise. All the big guys between Dracut and Wrentham are never gonna vote against something “XL” just for some fairy crap like the environment. The thing’s got Roman numerals in it, or what looks like Roman numerals. XL. Like a Super Bowl fer chrissakes. Like Cullen, Ortiz and Markey it’s a no-brainer.

Oppose Keystone XL by High Noon? These Left Coast enviro-hippies must be high – on that good Question 3 stuff –  to think Lynchie’s going to back down on such a sure winning issue.

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(TRUE STORY ALERT) Twenty minutes in the waiting room getting new tires this morning meant twenty minutes of Dennis & Callahan. Just when it hit me that those big galoots at WEEI haven’t joked about “METCO gorillas” in ages, John Dennis spends about twelve minutes suggesting that EEI’s new show with Mike Salk and Michael Holley should use “Ebony and Ivory” as its theme song. That’s because Mike Salk is white and Michael Holley is black. Apparently in John Dennis-land being black is the most notable feature about Michael Holley and must be pointed out every twelve seconds.

All this time I’d been searching for the magic elixir that would take me back to my glory days in the early 70s and it turns out all I had to do was tune in to D & C. But I gotta admit I fled to the DD next door (iced tea only 99 cents, limited time only) before someone said they could add a lady or a queer and have Neapolitan ice cream, amirite?

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Speaking of ice cream, my best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Whitey Bulger pass out down while scarfing some Hoodsies with Joe “Go to the Theatre” McDonald, the most hilarious Sheriff Joe this side of Arpaio-ville, at the H of C in Plymouth last night. I guess it’s pretty serious.

And just days after apple pie, freedom, the Constitution, and all the other things Eddie Markey hates were vindicated by Judge Stearns getting dumped on his tush. (Apolgies for linking to a story by known Immoral and Unethical Agent Defacto of the Justice Department Shelley Murphy).

The Ghost of Sister Mary Francis was busy working on my Keystone-XL-Pipeline-To-The-Hearts-And-Minds-Of-Maldenites project, but the Ghost of Sister Mary Michael says it’s all Kevin Cullen’s fault the Whitester’s cranium got cold. Seems he’s been talking to the ghost of John Henry Williams in the weeds behind Morrissey Blvd. an awful lot lately. Actually everything bad on earth is Kevin Cullen’s fault. Every. Single. Bad. Thing. Even Eddie Markey’s hair.

Speaking of Fast Eddie, five’ll get you ten he’s in on this. He’s got well known connections at Hood.

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The guy who sells flowers near the rusty bridge in front of the Joe Moakley Center for the Oppression of Gangsters and MIT Computer Guys tells me nothing’s changed. Carmen Ortiz still sucks. Facebook petitions prove it.

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Ever since I was in the second grade and Kevin McBride…  Um…for a long time I’ve had a thing against Kevins. But I’m generally right. Obviously there’s Master Puppeteer of All Evil Kevin Cullen. And now I’m thinking I was right all along about that malingerer Kevin Garnett.

Just when the C’s needed him in their noble, and o so close quest to stop the 22-game winning streak of Lebron James and El Heat (apparently El Calor would be too complicated), KG comes up with the flu. Not buying it. Doesn’t Wyc Grousbeck take the guys over to CVS for their flu shot, if only so Rondo could have one shot outside the paint go in? Nah, the only flu KG has was when The Ghost of Sister Mary Kareem appeared to him in his sleep with video of all the times LeBron flew past him in last year’s playoffs.

Time for this bum to go. Bring back Tony Battie, who did NOT skip Monday’s game with the “flu” and has the quality of not being named Kevin. He also saved Paul Pierce’s life so there’s that.

By the way, on the subject of Tonys, my man Tony V at the Penalty Box on Causeway says there’s some KG stories out there you couldn’t even imagine. Let’s just say Attempted Murderer By Euclidean Reasoning Kevin Cullen is actually the good Kevin around here.

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With that known Carmen-Ortiz-Enabler Deval Patrick taking his leave of the State House next year, enquiring minds want to know who the next governor will be. You’ve seen the names tossed around. Coakley, Grossman, Baker, Brown, even State Sen. Dan “Crying” Wolf, Carmen “Bringing Back the Inquisition” Ortiz. None of them have a chance.

The next governor will be Worcester DA Joe Early Jr. Why you ask? I will tell you. Because he’s so obscure his name never has appeared in print on BMG, not even in my posts. Nobody east of Leominster or west of Athol has ever heard of him, meaning Worcester County DA Joe Early, Jr.,* even though his dad was a Congressman but nobody east of Leominster or west of Athol has ever heard of him. So he gets all the legacy boost with none of that Kennedy fatigue and dynasty resentment that kept JPK3 (a wildly inferior “3” IMO) to only 61%.

And he went to Catholic grammar school, private boarding school for high school, and UMass Amherst. So he’s got the bases covered. He did go to law school outside Massachusetts, but it was a Jesuit school, Georgetown. I mean sure there’s BC, but if I remember right there was a glitch with the paperwork on his visa to cross 495.

Joe Early has faced down hardened criminals not just in the courtroom but on the streets. Take that, Carmen Ortiz. And he’s got the hack thing down. He doesn’t even want to do the job he already has. Motto: “I would much rather prevent a crime than have to solve one.”

But mostly I’m high on him because Sully at Milford District Court (the young one, not the bald one) says he’s a com-ah.

The Early Bird Catches the Worm. You heard it here first.

*DISCLAIMER: Some people east of Leominster and west of Athol probably have heard of Worcester County DA Joe Early, Jr.  As a great man once said in the comments below, “It’s all about the facts.”

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