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Lee Surrenders To Grant, Obama Retains Slavery

July 21, 2010 By fake-consultant 7 Comments

Ohio Congressman Zebidiah Kucinich summed up the anger from the left: “We won the war, for God’s sakes, which is a mandate if I ever saw one, and yet the first thing the President orders when putting together surrender terms is to take the issue of ending slavery off the table.

It makes no sense, especially when we know that these former Confederates will never support the President’s agenda. To make it even worse, we know the President will make more concessions later on down the road in order to try and get any opposition votes he can.”

Reached in Charleston by telegraph, former Confederate Senator Beauregard DeMint told this reporter that: “Appomattox will be Obama’s Waterloo! He can never be allowed to destroy the foundation of our Southern economy-and if he tries, we’ll use the 10th Amendment to protect the interests of our States…and Freedom.”

Disaffected leftist voters, who were already upset over Obama’s failure to close the Union detention facility at Andersonville, as he had promised he would during his Presidential campaign, have become even more vocal recently as the Union Army has appeared to block Administration efforts to end the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy that has caused thousands of urgently-needed Black soldiers to be discharged during the War.

All of this, combined with the President’s recent actions in failing to end slavery, have led to an “enthusiasm gap” between voters in the President’s Party and those on the other side, emboldening his opponents in the upcoming midterm elections.  

Southern voters, who have seen the end coming for some time, have been organizing into “Coffee Parties” in an effort to protect their economic interests-but they chafe at the notion that there is a racial component to their concerns.

In a recent speech to an enthusiastic Kentucky crowd, Senate candidate Roger Weightman (“Old Flintlock”) Paul was heard to say: “Our only interests are in protecting the agricultural economy of the South, and the Constitutional values that were handed down to us from our God; that requires us to keep slaves in places like Mississippi, but it has nothing to do with racism.”

Members of the crowd, sporting the robes and hoods that have recently begun to take over as the preferred uniform of the “Coffee Party”, echoed Paul’s comments, including a large, florid, gentleman who appeared to be using laudanum at the time of our interview; he chose to remain nameless, but told me this about the slaves he had met: “Slaves are uppity, but not as blacks. They’re elitist. They think they’re smarter and better than everybody else. That’s what they were taught. It’s like they’re Harvard men.”

Political strategists, including Senator Sumner of Massachusetts, have urged the President to become more bold in his negotiating tactics, and to take more control over the weekly media cycle: “The President is enormously popular when he gives speeches, he clearly has a mandate, and now that the telegraph can quickly spread his message there is no reason why the Coffee Party, who, after all, represent a minority of the Nation, should be allowed to drive every single element of the political conversation-especially if all the President ends up doing is watering down the abolition of slavery to the point where nothing is accomplished at all.”

In a related story, pressure continues to mount on the Administration after the unprovoked firing of an Agriculture Department official who was “framed” by Confederate media interests; the official, who gave us an exclusive interview in Washington yesterday, reports that she has already been told that she could make enough money suing for wrongful discharge to purchase her own “Seward’s Folly” if she wanted-in fact, the act of suing for wrongful discharge, currently a novel legal concept, may become known as a “Sherrod Suit” if the former official chooses to move forward with this new form of litigation.

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Filed Under: User Tagged With: barack-obama, comedy, election-10, humor, national, negotiations, politics, republicans, satire, snark

Comments

  1. fake-consultant says

    July 21, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    …what he told us he would…and i realize there is a 60-vote threshold to hurdle…but i am getting sick of conceding first, and negotiating later.  

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  2. mark-bail says

    July 21, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    but he is so risk-averse, it’s embarrassing. When everyone wants someone with brass balls, we get Dr. Spock and the Difference Splitters. We get the

    <

    p>The Obama Administration’s message machine is a joke. It’s like no one learned anything from the Clinton era: the Republican Noise Machine will not stop making noise and it will not play fair. Play hard or not at all. Always respond to attacks.

    <

    p>Jonathan Alter was on NPR this afternoon. He said that the Obama Admin bussed (as in under) the Agriculture Department because they thought they could keep the media on the financial reform bill. WTF?! This would have been a good opportunity to turn the tables and expose how the VRWC works. Instead, Obama and Friends look like a bunch of schmucks.

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    • fake-consultant says

      July 22, 2010 at 1:46 am

      …and the worst part of it all, as you note, is that this insane republican opposition stuff should be working for obama and, by extension, us, and not against him…and i just do not see how they cannot see the reality that seems so obvious to the rest of us.

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    • kbusch says

      July 23, 2010 at 11:15 pm

      So let’s say Obama’s people have correctly deduced that there’s no chance in hell of getting anything through Congress. They have two basic options. First, they could get on the teevee every day and say, “This is my plan to help. Republicans in Congress won’t pass it.” They could hold rallies in Maine. Allies could run ads. At least people would know who is for and who is against…and just what it was that people are for or against.

      Option two is back off proposals you’ve previously made and have Axelrod get on the teevee and say, “there is some argument for additional spending in the short-run to continue to generate economic activity.”

      July 11, 2010

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      • fake-consultant says

        July 24, 2010 at 12:19 am

        …and getting on the teevee every day would be a net gain for this administration–and before long, a huge drag on the rs.

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  3. jconway says

    July 23, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    Instead, Obama and Friends look like a bunch of schmucks.

    <

    p>You can add that tagline at the end of nearly anything they have done and it would be entirely appropriate.

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    • fake-consultant says

      July 23, 2010 at 1:54 pm

      …but this would be a hell of a concept for a youtube movie trailer parody, and i hope you take a crack at it.

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