Now that the NSA has come out and magically decided it’s prevented 50 domestic terrorist attacks in the past 7 years, I’ve been inspired to come out and tell the truth, too….
I. Am. Batman.
I mean, there’s a reason why crime is down 33% on the MBTA these days. Me.
Sadly, my work there has not improved service. Alas. But at least you feel safe, right?
It hasn’t been easy work, either, but thankfully I’ve discovered how to make these nifty things called Batarangs at RyansTake Enterprises.
They’ve come in handy in Lynn, where I prowl Union St. at night like Robin does my Batcave in the depths of RyansTake Manor.
And they’ve worked, too. Crime is down 4% last year in Lynn.
Why? Because BATMAN. You’re welcome, sinners.
But don’t worry about the dangers of vigilantism. I am totally trustworthy. Like the NSA’s special relationship with FISA, I can be my own judge and jury.
I’m hip with all the latest theories on recidivism and all that jazz. The Lynn Police chief said you can’t arrest your way out of crime.
Of course not. That’s what the batphone is for! He calls me, I bust people up and make sure the criminals know crime doesn’t pay.
And what about all those crimes I’ve stopped that don’t show up in the statistics?! There’s hundreds of them! No, thousands! Unlike the NSA, I don’t go to bed.
Don’t believe me? Here’s a video I totally just magically discovered of me stopping an attack at the GE’s abandoned Factory of the Future.
Without me, however would we have been able to get a Market Basket in Lynn?
You’re welcome, America.
So, just in case anyone’s worried about the dangers of me violating constitutional rights in Massachusetts, as I set the bad guys straight, just remember how much good I say it does, and believe me when I say it… because I. Am. Batman.